The Importance Of Using Bombs Wisely: A Lesson From A Legend

A few months ago I explained why "using the boost to get through" things was a function absolutely crucial to survival in today's world. However, this was merely one life lesson that the great prophet Peppy sought to teach us. Like a disciple who has set forth to spread a holy doctrine, I will explain yet another teaching of the Church of Hare: Using bombs wisely.

Surely this is the face of holy wisdom

Mankind has been using bombs for centuries upon centuries. As you all know, or should know at least, China was the first to develop gun powder around the mid-9th century. While you might think they used this invention to kill people, they actually used it to make fireworks for celebratory purposes.

Sure, it's pretty, but is it wise?


No.

You can hardly blame man-kind for being unwise with a new invention. History has shown that the second we come up with something new we find dumb-ass ways to hurt ourselves with it (while most likely trying to impress girls). However, just fast forward a few centuries later and we're using them to kill each other just like we were meant to.
But, beyond the obvious answer of self-injury prevention, why is it important to use bombs wisely?

Well the obvious answer is war. One of the most efficient ways to kill your enemy is to place a high explosive near his person and detonate it. And if it doesn't kill him... well he'll certainly wish he was dead. I for one am deadly afraid of growing old and the thought of doing so with a missing appendage seems worse than getting a proctology exam from Edward Scissor Hands.
But on a more positive note I hear he does give out lollipops.

However, managing to kill your enemy requires you to successfully hurt them and not yourself. It also means you cannot not waste bombs. So how do you do this? Well first of all, you must recognize when it is appropriate to use said weapons. Here are some visual examples to teach differentiation.

Bombs are not necessary

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE BOMBS!

Of course, giant space monkeys are few and far between. As I pointed out a while ago, gigantic robots are a plague on my everyday existence. Sometimes regular weapons just aren't enough in the limited time I have during my walks to class. That's where bombs come in. A well-placed bomb is sometimes the only thing that can guarantee me my showing up in time to take a pop-quiz. So in a sense, I owe some of the A's I make to bombs. So the next time you are attacked by a giant mechanical maniac, remember that a quick bomb to the glowing weak spot can end things quickly.

But don't think for a second that my earlier picture means you should never use explosives on rabbits.

Then of course there's the rule of not detonating bombs too close to yourself. I understand that setting off a bomb in close proximity seems to go against human nature, but let's be honest, humans are dumb. I mean, it is custom that some friends of mine and I shoot roman candles at each other come the 4th of July... well not anymore. Not since I ended up with a giant wound on my forehead. It's actually kind of ironic that the first time we used eye protection we had our first injury (a round got stuck between my head and the goggles). Didn't bother me though. I love irony. But I digress.

The point is to not let bombs go off near you. It can hurt... a lot. Also, and I can't stress this enough, ear protection is important too. Sure, you may be far enough away to not eat shrapnel, but that doesn't mean the sound-waves won't make your eardrums their bitch. Just ask my ol' uncle 1 thumb. He actually has both his thumbs, but we thought giving him that nickname even though he lost his hearing to explosions would be more amusing. We've also given him other meaner nicknames, but he doesn't care. After all, it's not like he can hear us.

Before I leave you I'll give you another example of not using bombs wisely. Did you know Bill Clinton used bombs unwisely when he bombed an aspirin factory. I bet you thought he was awesome for some reason because he was good at taking credit for stuff that Bush Sr. did. Do you know about Bush Sr.? He was, and still is, a boss. In fact, he's probably one of the best presidents of the modern age. Much better than his son or that incompetent guy in office now. Wait, is this a political blog? I forget cause I'm a political science major. That means I'll be poor in the future. At least I'll still know how to use bombs wisely. AND NOW YOU WILL TOO!

"Terrorists?! I'll hit 'em where it hurts! NO MORE HANGOVER CURES FOR THEM! Next,
I'll get me an alka seltzer factory!"

This article brought to you by brandy: Brandy; it's like wine, but it'll get you fucked up quicker.