A Week In The Life Of A 3DS Owner

The following are entries found in a bloody journal apparently written by me. I have no knowledge of this and I feel as though I have only now regained true consciousness as of my purchasing of the 3DS. It seems to chronicle everything related to the 3DS from 12:01 A.M. of Sunday, March 27 to 11:59 P.M. of Saturday, April 2. The later entries have been deemed somewhat disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.

Sunday, March 27

-Stephen and I just got in line! We got the numbers 5 and 6 so we got to cut waaaaay the hell in line. I called it our press pass. Stephen told me to stop talking.

-It's in my hands! Why do my pants feel tighter?

-Just played Street Fighter. How in the hell does it look this good?

-What do these cards do? Holy fuckin' robot Jesus! There's a 3D hole in Stephen's couch!

-Made my Mii. Still no read hair option. Nintendo is so racist.

-Stephen and I got Street Pass to work. My idea to literally walk by each other actually worked. Making the systems make out did not.

-Playing Face Raiders now. I just saw my friend Josh's face in clown paint. The 3DS thought he was an infant even though he has a full beard. Stephen saw Josh's face spit out miniature versions of his own. Nintendo just invented legal LSD.

-I think the 3DS is talking to me. It's... telling me to do things... horrible things.

-I want to look at the menu some more, but Stephen wants to podcast. His willingness to quit indicates that he is an unbeliever. I'll play along for now.

-Went home and showed my roommate. His indoctrination has begun. Time for sleep.

-I've awoken with strange marks on my arm. I feel like my 3DS was talking. Must have been a dream. Time to study... with Rayman breaks of course.

Monday, March 28

-Too much studying to do. My new toy must wait. I'll give it a spin when I get the chance for a break. I will carry it around for a coins and Street Passes though.

-I'm starting to see things in what I call "3DS vision". My sink actually looked like I was viewing it through a stereoscopic screen. It's freaking weird.

-I'm sorry, 3DS. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I love you...

Tuesday, March 29

-I got 2 Street Passes today!!! I'm happier than I've ever been ever!

-I just came out of a daze. My roommate says I was staring at the 3DS's menu for over 5 hours. He says it was creepy. I told him it was revenge for him getting overly-drunk on the first two podcasts. That's a decent enough cover story. I feel like something is taking me over.

-I want to give it a break, but I just can't. It's like... it won't let me.

Wednesday, March 30

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Thursday, March 31

-Just looked back on yesterday's entry. What the hell does that mean!? I think I'm losing my mind.

-I'm starting to get physically and mentally tired when I don't get street passes within 24 hours of each other.

-I'm pretty sure Ryu from Street Fighter actually punched me in the face while I was playing. IN THE FACE!

-Okay, it's official. The thing is trying to enslave me. Good thing my name isn't Monkey or that guy from that black website might call my 3DS racist. I need to get rid of it. It sucks, but if I don't who knows what might happen.

-I stuffed the 3DS in a bag and threw it in the Brazos River. I just got back. I'm going to bed... I need some rest.

Friday, April 1

-I woke up with the fucker on my chest! It's just sitting there! It's a demon! It has to be! Nothing this amazing could come without a price (besides the money I payed for it)! What a fool I've been!

-I must submit. Otherwise... I'll never find peace. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why did I bother to write that?

-I must spy on Stephen... must make sure he is one of us.

-What's this!? He turned it off! Something is amiss. I'm breaking in.

-Only two street passes including me? He is clearly a non-believer. He... must... die.

-I smothered him in his sleep with a pillow and took his 3DS. I understand what I must do. I must reunite my 3DS with all of it's brethren. Then it will have the power to conquer everyone!!! I must rest before this endeavor

Saturday, April 2

-Ph'nglui mglw'nafh 3DS Sh'gyeh wgah'negl fhtagn
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh 3DS Sh'gyeh wgah'negl fhtagn
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh 3DS Sh'gyeh wgah'negl fhtagn
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh 3DS Sh'gyeh wgah'negl fhtagn
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh 3DS Sh'gyeh wgah'negl fhtagn
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh 3DS Sh'gyeh wgah'negl fhtagn