LEAST Favorite Game Moments, From The Elitist.

It didn't take me long to come up with this idea. It’s a little cliché and literally anyone and everyone who has played this game, will agree. It’s unanimously agreed upon that this moment in an otherwise fantastic franchise is possibly the most frustratingly annoying piece of crap level one will ever play. I’m referring to The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time’s…. Water Temple.

            I know, it’s almost a cop-out, but I suppose first one has to understand how much I love the Legend of Zelda, especially Ocarina of Time, but that will have to be a story for another day. So why do I loathe the Water Temple so? Well, that question has 3 answers: Awkward Underwater Combat, Butthole Dungeon design, and Bosses Who Are Annoying as Hell.

The theme in the Water Temple that makes it unique is…well…filled with water. Surprised? I hope not. Doesn't sound too bad, but you soon realize that even though you have really freakin’ awesome Iron Boots and a suave n’ stylish Zora’s Tunic, which together allow you to walk underwater without dying, LINK CAN’T USE HIS BLOODY SWORD!! (No pun intended) So as soon as you jump underwater, you find these piece-of-crap Shell Blades and Spikes among other frustrating monsters. As it turns out, the ONLY item that you can use underwater is the one and only Hookshot. Coincidently it can kill the underwater monsters.  For the Spikes, this works fine, they do not move much while they are vulnerable, but for everything else, If the enemy moves out of the path of the Hookshot after you fire, it sails right on past them (Relatively slowly) and then will come all the way back to you (If your fast enough, you can actually press the Hookshot button while its mid flight and it will come back to you, for another shot, I’d still rather have my sword) Of course, all the enemies that you face underwater have some vulnerable point, which they only expose to you for a short amount of time, and then continue to attack you with their advance in their invulnerable form, leaving plenty of opportunity to corner you and violently and maliciously tear Link apart.  Awkward Underwater Combat.

            The Dungeon itself was often awful enough to make me stop a play through; I would just dread the thought to having to re-solve the stupid puzzles in this temple. I’m not one to complain about the difficulty of a puzzle, but the Water Temples “puzzles” bring a new light to annoying and completely stupid. So as you might guess the physical components and layout of the Temple are convoluted enough while you are playing the game, and are even more difficult to describe out side of it. Through out the whole dungeon as you are picking up keys, compasses, maps and weapons, you are having to constantly plan for, at some point, reaching one of three nodes that allow you to change the water level. Problem is, you don’t get to choose where the water goes. Each one has a set level that it applies when you play your Ocarina in front of it, and you can only get to each node, if the water level is at a certain height already, so there is allot of backtracking, and allot of trying to find alternate routes(unless of course you just have the dungeon memorized I suppose) Allot of the Temple goes something like this:

Got a key, go change the water level, open this door with that key, shit, another locked door, go change it to a different water level, well I can’t get to the water level node B I need unless I go the first water level node, A, ok, now I’ve got the right water level. Another locked door, ok, that’s fine, explore this level a little cool, another key, why not just use this one on that first locked door? Oh yea.. I can’t put the water back down until I find the last water level node, C. I bet it’s behind that first locked door, ok Ill just go this way, another puzzle, I have to time my Hookshot to jump through this closing gate while being thrown around in a circle by the water current into a very very small room of angry monsters? Ok, shouldn’t be a problem.. Oh crap the monsters are killing me, damnit I’m dead. Continue, the water level is back to where it was at the beginning…::turns off game::

            If you read all that, I applaud you, but that’s about the gist of the Water Temple itself, plus having to deal with the awkward underwater, all-things-besides-the-most-mechanically-complicated-weapon-you-have-are-rendered-completely-and-utterly-useless-upon-being-submerged-in-water, play style, that’s Butthole Dungeon Design.

            Last, but not least, the Bosses. Now admittedly bosses are supposed to be hard, they are bosses after all right? Right, to an extent. Up until this point, and really for the rest of the game, Including Gannondorf himself, the bosses have been quite manageable. You might die two or three times if you don’t know what you are doing, but they are pretty straightforward Zelda bosses. The boss of the Water Temple, Morpha, is not really my biggest beef. In the link I posted there is a video, and while that guy is clearly pretty good, you can see why it’s frustrating. As soon as you reel in the little bugger, he flops back in the water after one sword swing. He will grab you, squeeze you, which does damage, and then throw you into spikes, which hurt you. Amoeba asshole. The most annoying part of this Temple, the final culmination of douchebaggery from the designers, is the Mini-Boss; Dark Link. I don’t know if I have some mental handicap when I get to this boss, but I freaking hate it. The concept is that he mimics you, he essentially is Link, just… a little less colorful, and more of a bitch. So as you fight him, he parries all of your attacks by swinging his sword at the same time. If you do Spin Attack: he back-flips. Use the Megaton Hammer: he back-flips. Use Dins Fire: he will be hurt, twice maybe three times, before he catches on and back-flips to safety (although some guides claim that it will hurt him everytime). Bow and arrow: blocks it with his shield. Bombs: back-flips. Hookshot: blocks. My personal favorite is if you stab him, he jumps on your sword, stands there for a moment gloating over you, and then stabs you in the face. Bosses, who are annoying as hell.                                                                                                                 

So, there ya have it, one of my least favorite moments in my gaming lifetime. I just want to say, that even though I whined about the Water Temple for 2 pages, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is hands down my most favorite game in the world, and remains one of the best games ever made. Truly a Crown Jewel dedicated to Nintendo’s brilliance.

Also, here she blows; Parts 35, 36, and 37 are video walkthroughs of the Water Temple, if you so desire to see the pure evil yourself.  http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=FF4130CB393BB87A&sort_field=original&page=2