The Outlaw's Least Favorite Game Moments 1: Bionic Commando

Warning: Major (stupid) Spoilers await you.


Bionic Commando was a game that had a lot of questions surrounding it. Why did they wait until 2009 to release a direct sequel to a game made in 1987? Why did they make a character with an awesome bionic arm that could grapple onto almost anything follow a usually linear path (sometimes the fighting would take place in a more open playground of destruction)? Why did they put so much cursing in it? Why did they make the main character emo all of a sudden? Why won’t they just call the “fascists” Nazis? However, the twist that takes place at the end of the game raises the biggest question of all: “Why… The f**k… Did they put that in there?”

The game starts out with our hero Nathan Spencer being let out of prison because the world turned on bionics for no apparent reason. The weird thing was that technically, he had both arms intact in the first game and he used a grappling hook. That’s what I’ve heard at least; I wasn’t exactly alive in 1987. Anyway, he now emerges years later missing an arm. In its place is a giant socket for the bionic one he is eventually given back. The people he used to work for, whom also put him in prison due to public outcry, have let him out to stop an attack from the old fascist enemies from the first game. One of the people who is actually sent to keep in contact with Nathan was the man he saved in the first game, Super Joe (Dumb name, right?). By the way, he turns out not to be so super as you later find out he is a traitor. Side note: The appropriate response for being saved by someone isn’t to turn on them years later. It’s not nice.

Anyway, the first question Nathan has on his mind upon being released involves the whereabouts of his wife. She disappeared around the same time he had his bionic arm put in place. The last memory he has of her is her telling him that, “[she'll] always be by his side.” Thus, he spends a great majority of the game asking about her. When he does ask, he is usually told that he won’t like what he finds out. From that, it is really easy to guess she is just dead. However, the truth is much stupider. When you pursue Super Joe in the last act of the game, his voice comes over the PA system to tell you the ugly truth about what happened to Nathan's wife. Watch in the video below.


^GET IT?!

THAT’S RIGHT! THE ARM IS HIS WIFE!!! This plot twist puts M. Night. Shyamalan to shame. I don’t know what script writer came up with that idea, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t work at Capcom anymore. Of course, they had to approve it so maybe I’m wrong, but it’s still one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. I mean, how does that even work? Is her spirit in there? Her brain? Did they shrink her down and she operates it on a hamster wheel? For some reason I doubt we’ll ever know the answer as the game undersold, but I honestly don’t see how it can be explained reasonably anyway. The tragedy is that the ending fight is actually really cool, but I was so stupefied by how absurd the twist was I didn’t have a chance to appreciate it. The game really shot itself in the foot on that one.

Before I wrap this up, however; I would like to leave you with two things. One; there is a link between this and my last article as Mike Patton, lead singer of Faith No More, was the voice of Nathan Spencer and of the Darkness from, well, The Darkness. Two; Take a look at this picture


^ Notice her bionic legs? You know what that means! CHILDREN LEGS! Awful, is it not?

Am I wrong? Is this not as stupid as I think it is? Maybe you just want to vent about this or other video game moments you hate? Let me know in the comments!