The Outlaw's Least Favorite Game Moments: Isabella from Dragon Age 2

OMG SPOILERS AND JUNK!

Wow. The more I write about Dragon Age the more I think I might secretly hate it. I mean... I think I like it, but I don't think I've actually typed one positive sentence about the series. Maybe I'm just insane. But I do stand by my claims that all of the problems I have with the games deserve to be mentioned. Seeing as I've spanked Dragon Age 1's ass a couple of times I guess it's DA2's turn. This time, it's all about Isabella. That gypsy-pirate woman who likes boats.
For those of you who don't know, this is a boat.

Don't me wrong. I don't really HATE the character. Mostly just what they do with her. So the woman lost an object she stole and she feels like the best course of action to protect herself is to find it. OK, that's fine. You might be a thief, but I've killed a lot of people, so who am I to judge? Although she does come off as a slut with her ridiculously huge boobs, ass hanging out, and her subtle hints about wanting to sleep with me. I can forgive that too though. I am quite dashing. But like I said, it goes beyond that.

What? No. They are 100% natural. *AHEM*

I treated the character well. I was nice to her. I gave her gifts. No, I didn't sleep with her. I wanted my penis to remain disease free. She didn't really hate me for that though. The fact of the matter is, I didn't take her with me enough. I had no need for a character with her specialties. I was nice and she liked me, but just not enough. But what did I care, I didn't think it mattered. WRONG!

Before the shit hits the fan in act 2, Isabella gets a lead on where the stolen object is. Me, being a nice guy, agrees to help her out. Anything for a friend! DUUUUUUURRRRRRR! We find the building and she begs me to let her keep the item even though it doesn't actually belong to her. I say yes. Did I mention DUUUUUUUUUUUUR. So we go in, kill some people, and then watch Isabella chase the possessor of the object out of the building. We go outside to find a dead body and a note from the wench telling how her best option is to just leave. So she does. For good.

That's why I date elves.

That's right. Without warning DA2 will take away Isabella if you aren't good enough friends. Don't have a save early enough to keep that from happening? TOO BAD, ASSHOLE! Have fun with two members of your party gone forever. You must feel sooooo dumb.






SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DUMB!

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The OandE Episode 4

Hey kiddos! It's your favorite random surprise, when me and Chris actually get together and podcast! Boy do we have a treat for you this time!

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Duke Nukem Forever Delayed Again?

Look, I have never been a Duke Nukem fanboy even though 3D was pretty great. But the more and more I see of Forever the more excited I get. It looks pretty fantastic. I have no need to remind the internet of the running joke that it has been delayed a ridiculous number of times... but it has been delayed a ridiculous number of times. Then Gearbox happened and blah blah blah. Point is, it finally had a real, tangible release date. Excuse me... had.


YOU CHEEKY FUCKERS!

Yup, it happened. While I honestly think they'll stick to this one, I still have that Deja vu feeling. OH WELL 3DS SOON!

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Resident Evil 4 and Code Veronica HD Remakes! Heres to hoping Capcom isn't pulling our legs.

There was Internet buzz, rumor, and speculation, based on some screen shots, that Capcom was planning to release High Definition remakes of RE4 and Code Veronica. Well, today more pictures hit the web seemingly proving that rumor.

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Suprise!! Castelvania Reverie DLC Downloadable on PS3

Those of us who were shocked (and frankly, really confused) with the end of Castlevania: Lords of Shadow have been looking forward to this DLC hoping it will answer some of the questions we all have about the ending of Konami's newest installment to the Castlevania franchise. Well, normally I would say that you are just going to have to wait until March 30th when the DLC was scheduled to release. Well, Konami pulled a fast one on us by releasing the PS3 version of the DLC this morning! Whoo!

Konami claims that the XBOX360 version will be released soon, so I hope that means it will be released by at least the 30th. We'll see. Until then, have fun PS3 owners! I hope the DLC adds sense and closure to the end of Lords of Shadow

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Jack Thompson. He's back. He means business. He's as crazy as ever.

It's kind of the "cool thing to do if you are a video game blogger" to make fun of 'ol Jackie boy at every chance possible; and who am I to go against whats cool?

Several days ago  (March 18) our favorite video game bashing crazy man Jack Thompson, sent Valve a come-to-Jesus talk letter over a mod created for Half Life called School Shooter: North American Tour 2012. The letter involved all manner of ridiculous speculation and hilarious commentary, as well as a rather vague hinting at the horrible hell Thompson would reign down upon Valve. Sorta.

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The Outlaw's Favorite Game Moments: Waggleton P. Tallylicker

Remember back when I gave Bulletstorm a 10 because it is amazing? Sure, I went on and on about the amazing weapons and gameplay, but the final selling point was definitely the humor. Some might find it juvenile, but that's only if you have a big ol' stick up your ass. So what happens when they decided to combine one of the best weapons ever with one of the funniest moments I have ever seen? Waggleton... that's what fucking happens. Oh, and if you're wondering who Waggleton is... he's a giant robotic dinosaur of death. You use him to do this.


*sniff*

But we must look beyond the humor to see what is really going on. In reality, this is a beautiful story of love between a man and his 50 foot tall pet of doom. Our hero finds the poor beast living under the oppression of evil men. Upon being liberated, Waggleton looks to Grayson as his new master and best friend. In return for being freed, he defends his master from all those who would do him harm, and, in the process, gives his life. It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen. You will live on Waggleton... in our hearts.

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The Elitist's Least Favorite Video Game Moments: Animal Crossing

Hey guys n’ gals. First and foremost I want to apologize for being so out of touch lately. Chris was sick, and he is without Internet(ish). I have been traveling and school-ing, and we just haven't found the time to get back into the swing of the blog thing. We do promise to come back with vigor now that Spring Break is over.
Since, our friend The Outlaw was sickly (he has been infected with Uruboros, but since his Outlaw like white blood cells are also drunk and awesome, they have been fighting it off as best they can, giving Chris only mild fluish symptoms). We decided to just skip last week. So now we shall begin anew! Hope everyone had an excellent spring break!

We all know the feeling. We have all been there, and we all understand.This is a story that represents the American Dream better than grandma's cookies, apple pie, baseball, and the stock market. Take a trip down memory lane with me. You are young, a naive boy/girl with nothing but excitement and the lust for adventure. You decide its time to move on, and you leave your parent's home, you get on that train and never look back. You would think, that the first time you met the talking blue cat with the giant head, you would reconsider moving the the town ravaged by nuclear radiation that now has created an entire town of freaky animal people. Once that cat makes the mistake at your gender, and you see what you have become during the train ride, you realize that the radiation has already taken its toll on your body. Oh well, Carpe diem!!

I know the feeling, Tom.

You arrive to [town name] with high hopes and big dreams! You soon remember that you were so ready to dive right into the irradiated cesspool of urban living, that you don’t have a place to live! 
Oh noooo!
No matter. Luckily for you, loan sharks still exist even in creepily happy animal worlds.

If you will recall, Tom Nook was the local shop owner. He meets you after your train ride, and tells you he has just the house for you. It’s drab, wretched, small, infested, empty, ugly, cramped, smelly, dark, dank, horrid, putrid, and rather quaint. Oh, it’s also cheap. Even a low life like you could afford it, remember? Ohhhh that’s right, being young and apparently unaware at how the world works, you don’t bring ANY FREAKING MONEY.


Well, Tom Nook is a crafty devil, and he has the solution for you. Simply work for him, to pay your mortgage. Noooo problem.....

Don't screw with me Nook...

Tom: Well, you have worked for several days, and you are no where NEAR coming close to paying for your mortgage, but you can go.


Me: . . .


Tom: You are just going to have to pay off the rest on your own! Don’t worry, you can do favors for people around town, or pick fruits to make some extra money!


Me: . . .


Tom: So, get going! Remember now, whenever you pay off your first debt, I can always renovate your home, and put you into greater debt!


Me: . . .


Tom: Kid, you are creepy as shit, get out of my store.

I know who you really are....

So now began the vicious cycle of capitalism working the dream, and the wallet, of all blue collar Americans. Except, in that case, Americans have jobs and can actually work to pay off their debt. This is a new world, with new rules. No one has jobs... we scavenge for our stuff remember?
So we fish and plant fruit, and sell the fish and sell the fruit. We do favors for our neighbors so they can give us worthless crap that hardly sells, and we wake up at 8am on Sunday morning to meet the turnip lady in the hopes that Tom Nook will buy them at a high price sometime during the week. All of this, to pay off the debt you made with Nook.



So you finally have done it! you have fished up the entire rivers, harvested every tree and done so much for your neighbors they have all decided its time to move on and see the world (don’t worry, they are always replaced by some other freaky animal with a cookie cutter personalities)

I MUST HAVE ROOM FOR STUPID THINGS!

So what does your jobless broke ass decide to do after paying off your house? You renovate! Yay look at all the space I have now! Whats the bill there ‘ol Nook, I know you will cut me a-

WHAT?!!?! I have to pay 3 times as much for an expansion that didn't even double the size of my house?? This sucks... but I’ll do it.

Don’t you worry, I’ll do it three more times Nook, because I am obviously in love with being in debt.


I JUST CAN’T STOP!!!


Commentary on the economy by Stephen “The Elitist” Dickson

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Batman: Arkham City Gameplay Trailer

If the blog had existed in 2009, I probably would have given Arkham Asylum my game of the year. Sure, it would have been excruciating to choose between it and Uncharted 2, but I'm kind of a huge fan of Batman: The Animated Series. Seeing as AA brought back my favorite Batman, Kevin Conroy, and my favorite Joker, Mark Hamill, it already had a tight grasp on my attention. Then you add perfect atmosphere, great back-up villains, some of the most fluid combat I've ever seen, plus other things to the mix, and you have something I would just have to write love songs to. I don't know how many I've written to different bottles of Jameson. Anyway, medium story short, I freaking love Arkham Asylum. So naturally, I WANT ARKHAM CITY NOW! Did the teaser trailer with Hugo Strange not convince you? WELL HOW ABOUT A GAMEPLAY TRAILER?! Bam!


And yes... Catwoman's voice melts me.

If this doesn't excite you then I proclaim you a demon... who does... demony things. So leave. Go on! Git!












GO AWAY!

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Dragon Age II Review: Improvements, Innovations, and Irritations

Good evening, dearest readers of the best gaming blog in the galaxy! I’ve been given the chance by The Outlaw Himself to write a review for Dragon Age II, and, well, who could turn down such an offer? Exactly. I mean, Jesus could, maybe, though He wouldn’t want to. I’ve asked.

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We Dare (JESUS NOOOO!)

Nintendo how far you have fallen…do you remember the days when you were THE giant of the video game industry, had a respectable consul and numerous titles that defined gaming as a whole. Well my dear Nintendo developers We Dare is defiantly not a step in the right direction. (More like a leap off the empire state building) However, it is unfair of me to mercilessly shred this helpless title before even explaining it so I shall… with a heavy heart and drooping spirit attempt to report on Nintendo grotesque, inbred, ginger stepchild of a game.

So “We Dare” is by definition a slightly erotic wii party game…yes you heard me correct. … Nintendo has successfully alienated its entire target audience…. The idea of the game is to use the wii motion controls to put people in compromising positions… such as spanking a naughty school girl or doing a hot strip tease for a lover, all the while putting on an hilarious show for those around. The game is suppose to be marketed to adults as a sex and party game of sorts. Though upon ESRB’s review of the game it is given an ages 12+ sticker…wow….so much for “erotic party game.” Nintendo this is an utter fail in all walks of life… and nearly every marketing scheme. If you were trying to create an adult, sexually enticing game then 12+ sticker ESRB nailed to your cerebral lobe shows that you really are a bunch of 40 year old virgins that have no idea what normal people call erotic. I mean apparently your version of a sexually enticing party is pokemon themed plates with Ash and Misty on them. (my heart still skips a beat when I see that red and white cap at the store….)because I am pretty sure that’s about all the action any 12 year old would get.

Now if you were following in the footsteps of all the other wii titles and trying to create a family oriented…erotic game…you know for the back woods Arkansas folks that do their sisters, then you failed here as well. I mean your trailer says it all…you marketed this game as if it were Dirty minds…but a more hands on version (poke poke…I like to poke) ;).

Which, to most parents might as well say “This game teaches you to worship the devil.” So I don’t see the all American family dropping buy the store to pick this title up for a family fun night!...unless little Jenny is statistically going to end up a stripper…but that’s another story. The only possible market you could have for this game is college girls who might use it as a novelty at a party. You know something to just laugh at as they drink themselves silly off Schmirnoff. Now Nintendo this is a very narrow target audience I mean girls already make up a smaller portion of the gaming community (probably do to our short attention spans and need to be talking) and while a majority of them have a wii….not many of them play the wii with their friends…so you’re looking at a pretty minimal return to catastrophic loss on this game. In closing all you little Nintendo fan boys break out your handkerchiefs and dab the last of tears from your eyes as you watch your beloved franchise crumble to the ground. Maybe the DS3 will save you….maybe…

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The Outlaw's Least Favorite Game Moments: Actually Fighting Dragons In Dragon Age

Despite this being my second article over least favorite moments involving Dragon Age: Origins (or just Dragon Age for people who aren't dumb), I actually really liked the first one. However, seeing as I'm playing the (awesome) sequel, I thought it would be appropriate to write my feature over the original. Then I realized I was up for a least favorite. Thus, DA gets the shit end of the sick. I'm sorry Bioware. I really do love it. Now it's time to put on your careful helmets children. Thar may be spoilarz ahead.

Anyway, when I say "fighting dragons" I don't mean the littlen's. I don't even mean their mid-size cousins. I'm talking about those full size, bastard hard, fire-breathing assholes. And in truth, the ones I'm talking about teeeechnically aren't dragons. While there is a full size actual dragon, I thought it would be best not to mess with him. No, I'm, of course, referring to Flemeth and the Arch-Demon. AND NOW TO ONCE AGAIN TELL YOU WHY IN THE FORM OF AMAZING ANECDOTES!

So when the first game came out, Grady (El Jefe) and I were still roommates. We went half and half on the game and I bought the guide to help us with the harder decisions (it didn't help). So naturally, we kinda monitored each others progress. I was a warrior and he was a squishy mage so us wanting to see how things progressed differently also played a role. ANYWAY, as I was making the lovey loves with Morrigan, I ended up taking on her personal quest sooner. So, I took up my sword and went to kill that bitchy, fake mom of her's. You may know her as Flemeth. I proudly proclaimed to my former roommate, "I'm gonna kill Flemeth now! I wonder what the fight will be like, though? Oh well, I'm a pretty high level. It shouldn't be a problem." Grady then thought for a moment, picked up the guide, and began to read. Right before the confrontation went down, Grady looked up and said, "ughhh I don't think you're ready for this." Turning around, I boasted, "I'm ready for anything!" Then, upon returning my attention to the game, I saw her change... into this.

"Not ready? What the hell are you talking aboHOLY SHIT!"

Never before was I caught so off-guard. Flemeth tore into me in much the same way that a fat kid opens a bag of cheetos. Confused, beaten, and a little suicidal, I left Flemeth's home when I reloaded. I swore I would beat her one day. Several quests later, I returned for another confrontation. "It is I," I yelled, "Christopher "The Outlaw" Smith! Slayer of Demons, the scourge of evil, and a person who defeated Sephiroth in Kingdom Hearts 2!" We fought for dozens of minutes, my whole party falling several times. I became increasingly frustrated. Then I decided to actually take control of Wynne, making my sole purpose healing my party. The battle raged on for what seemed like forever. And then, I looked up and saw my character leaping into the dragon's face, swinging his sword, and delivering the final blow. The battle was over... I had won. But this was far from the worst dragon battle.

But this is the worst dragon movie.

Okay, so this isn't really an anecdote. I lied. I'm sorry. Anyway, the final battle in DA is probably one of the worst I've ever played. Mainly because it's unfair. Here's how it goes down. You choose the final party to take into the battle a good while before you actually get to the arch-demon. Thus, if you get to the demon and realize you don't have the right party, too bad asshole, deal with it or play the whole damn section over again. And that's what happened to me. I took my healer, my other warrior, and my lover (because duh). So here's how the battle went down. I realized early on that the support units were basically just fodder. The best way to kill the damn arch-demon was to distract it with them and then use the ballistas around the map to pummel it do death. However, if you play on normal or higher (which I was) the ballistas break. Didn't bring a rogue to fix the things you didn't know would be there? Too fucking bad. They're broken forever and OH LOOK THE DRAGON IS RAPING YOU WITH FIRE FROM A DISTANCE FROM A PLATFORM YOU CAN'T REACH NOW AND YOU ALSO HAVE A NEVER ENDING HORDE OF DARKSPAWN BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Oh wait, not yay. This fight is bullshit.

I fought this asshole for hours and realized that I had to do the unthinkable. I turned the difficulty down. The ballistas didn't break and I defeated the Arch-Demon in a matter of moments. Yes, I won, but the victory felt so hollow. To this day it still haunts me. Ugh... I need to be alone. Goodbye.

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Killzone 3 Review: The Madness Has Begun.

Oye, right reviews. Why are these always so difficult to start? How about this

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Bulletstorm Review

The second I saw the first trailer for Bulletstorm I thought to myself, "wow, this looks different." And how could I not. With a majority of shooters taking a realistic (and frankly, an increasingly boring) approach, it was nice to see something different. But, could it live up to my expectations? The simple answer is YES! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN YES!

The game puts you in the boots of a rogue assassin named Grayson. He and his band of soldiers used to work for a general in charge of a government known as the Confederacy. Once they find out that they have been used to kill civilians, they decide to leave and cause trouble whenever they can. When the opportunity to attack their old leader comes up, Grayson takes it, and this is where the story begins. I'm sorry, the game actually begins when Grayson and a fellow teammate interrogate a captured bounty hunter... drunk. And if that doesn't set the tone I don't know what does.

Dick-killing is imminent

That's actually my first point. The game is over-the-top and hilarious and I loved every minute of it. Sure, a lot of the humor comes from yelling phrases such as, "I'LL KILL YOUR DICK!" However, in context it's actually pretty terrific. At the same time, it still feels like many occurrences of vulgarity are in character. Thus, it all works... you motherfuckers. Trust me, the game is hysterical. There is a particular moment that involves giving a name, posthumously, to a mechanical Godzilla-like, laser shooting monster that had me laughing for about 2 minutes straight.

There's also a row-but man.

"But is the campaign deep, Chris," you ask. Actually... yeah. It's plenty deep. You are, over time, given access to several different weapons. All of these weapons have an alternate charge shots that are awesome. The pistol has one of my favorites. It has a round that basically acts like fireworks. It plants itself in an enemy and launches them around until they explode, possibly taking others with him. The primary shots are awesome as well. Very few things in other games beat wrapping someone in an explosive chain and then kicking them into a group of mutant-gang members.

Also, monster.

This is where the point system comes in. There are myriads and myriads of ways to destroy, maim, and kill your enemies. Giant cacti, man-eating plants, kicking mutants into a lighting storm, it's all there. And performing these specific kills gives you a set amount of points based on the type of kill. It's an incredibly deep system that comes with it's own menu of moves, which tells you the stipulations, how much they are worth, if you've performed them before, and if they are still locked. With this tool at your disposal, your goal is to try to rack up as many points as possible by combing killing methods. To say that performing huge combos is satisfying would be the understatement of the year. It doesn't stop there either. The game even EXPLAINS why there are points. When you get your lasso of death at the beginning, it goes through a sort of attachment process with you. It connects to the Confederate mainframe that monitors the performance of soldiers. The best soldiers are sent points based on the kills they perform, which they can spend on ammo, weapons, upgrades, and charge shots. Naturally, being in possession of the lasso, you now have access to all of this. Personally, that was going above and beyond for me. The game is so ridiculous I didn't expect any explanation of anything. I didn't think there was any reason for having the lasso other than "HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME," but there is and I deeply appreciate it. PICTURED: ONE OF THE HUNDREDS OF WAYS TO KILL PEOPLE.

The tone, action, humor, and over-all ridiculousity all combine to make one of the freshest games I've seen in a long damn time. Some might find it all juvenile, but you have to look beyond that. You have to put yourself in the mindset that the game doesn't take itself seriously, while at the same time executing (no pun intended) everything perfectly. That's why I bestow Bulletstorm a first in scores I have given out.

10 out of 10.

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The Elitist's Favorite Video Game Moments: Dead Space 2

I don't think I have done a Dead Space2 moment yet! This surprises even myself, seeing as how I loved almost every moment of the game. Well, what are we waiting for lets gooooooo!!!!

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Can We Have a 1-Up?

Hey guys n gals, we here at The Outlaw and The Elitist would like to extend our apologies to you, our beautiful readers, in response to our lack of activity. These last couple weeks have been pretty ridiculous as far as school is concerned, and it has caused us a bit of delay. I can assure you, normal activity will resume soon. We have reviews fast arriving, and we will keep you up on any news as we can.

A little bit of something you might not have known, in order to try to get your love back, the new Dead Space DLC came out today! :D It is probably awesome, and you should totally go check it out.
Keep checking the OandE, you will see things soon!

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