The Best and Worst Drinking Buddies: Supporting Characters

A hypothetical struck me recently, one which I simply had to share with the best readers in the galaxy: what if you could go to a bar with video game characters? It would be awesome, yeah? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So I assembled the greatest minds of our time to come up with the best and the worst supporting characters with whom to drink. Cos main characters (both heroes and villains) get all the attention. Supporting characters are where it’s at. Anyway, do enjoy!

Also, there is no particular order. Just sayin’.

The Best:

Urdnot Wrex of Mass Effect

Really, who could say no to Wrex? This krogan warlord takes badass to previously unthinkable levels, and would only make a good night of drinking better. Be prepared to lose any drinking contest with him handily, however, especially if the drink of choice is ryncol. Even Commander Shepard can’t hold that stuff well, and as they say, “you can fight like a krogan, you can run like a leopard, but you’ll never be better than Commander Shepard.” NEVER. That Wrex can keep that stuff down speaks to his toughness, which can come in handy at a bar. Somebody tries to bother you? Wrex can punch them in the face! See an old friend? Wrex can punch them in the face! And let’s be honest, who can say that indiscriminate face-punching doesn’t make for a fun night? Communists, that’s who.

Little Jacob of Grand Theft Auto IV

Alright, so you won’t be able to understand the fellow, but Little Jacob cannot be beaten in terms of chill. Not to mention you’ll get a secondhand high just from looking at him. The whole bar will be singing “Kumbaya” by the end of the night with Jacob as your drinking buddy. And if not, well, he’s an arms dealer...there’s nothing quite like a good ol’ fashioned night of getting drunk and shooting everything that moves. Especially if you’re driving...*

Liberty Prime of Fallout 3

I know, I know, finding a place with accommodations for a forty-foot-tall U.S. Army combat robot may be difficult, but Liberty Prime would be cool enough to make up for it by about ten trillion. I don’t use units. Just ten trillion, trust me. I mean, the guy throws nukes like a football, for cryin’ out loud. Liberty Prime don’t mess around. Especially when it comes to communists. Or the Chinese. Actually, it’s advisable that you not bring any Chinese and/or leftist friends with you to the bar with Liberty Prime, for your sake. Those laser eyes and that nuclear football have some pretty intense splash damage. Provided you can manage not to get nuked, lasered, or simply crushed, however, the probability of your night with Liberty Prime as your drinking buddy being a success is 100%. 

HK-47 of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

“Another robot,” you might say, “What’s this guy’s deal with robots?” Well, I’ve only one defence: ROBOTS ARE AWESOME AND YOU WISH YOU WERE A ROBOT. So there. Anyway, HK-47 is an organic-hating assassination droid with a penchant for the maniacal. Sure, he may call you “meatbag” the whole time, but he means it in the most endearing way possible. He even says, “Endearing Response:” as a preface! Or maybe I just like to imagine that... In any case, if you’re like any normal human being, you’ll thoroughly enjoy the wanton death and destruction that HK-47 is sure to unleash upon your poor, unsuspecting fellow patrons. Normal people enjoy wanton death and destruction..........right?

The Worst:

The Adoring Fan of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Dear God in Heaven above. Or whatever you believe. This would be terrible. A character annoying enough to warrant tricking him into following you to the top of a mountain only to murder him in cold blood and watch him fall to his demise would simply make a horrendous drinking buddy. Hell, you couldn’t get a word in edgewise without him babbling on about the shrine he built in your honour, pledging to give his pathetic little life for yours (as if a weak little Bosmer would be of any help in a bar fight), or offering to pay for your drinks for the night...wait. No, he’s still awful, it’s still not worth it, and he’ll still take a tumble down the mountain afterward. Because he sucks. So bloody much.

 

Slippy Toad of Star Fox 64

You: You enjoying your beer?

Slippy: “Whoa! Help me!”

You: Help you? What are you talking about, it’s a beer, you drink it, you stupid frog.”

Slippy: “I’m havin’ some trouble here!”

You: How? Are you serious? Do you want me to pour the beer down your throat? You’re dumb. How do you fail at drinking a beer? Ugh...

(Slippy continues to whine, unsurprisingly. All you can do is sigh. Just when you’re ready to kill that little amphibian fucker, he changes his tune.)

Slippy: “Thanks, Fox. I thought they had me.”

You: Right. Whatever. You could’ve at least gotten my name right. Assface.

Anders & Fenris of Dragon Age II

Besides just being generally annoying creatures, Anders and Fenris together (I know, it sort of breaks the format, but work with it) would simply fight the whole time. You see, Anders has what experts refer to as a “pro-mage platform,” that is to say, he thinks mages are the best thing since ponytails. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum is Fenris, who proudly (and annoyingly) endorses an “anti-mage” platform. Seriously, he criticises you if you or anyone in your party is a mage, even though you just saved his stupid life. Anyway, you can imagine that trying to sit down to a nice pint of beer with these two hotheads would be a bit like having dinner with Lenin and McCarthy, but with magic instead of Communism. They are the same.

Reaver of Fable

The main reason that Reaver would be a horrible drinking partner is that he is a complete and utter doucheface. One of the biggest douchefaces in the galaxy, actually. Did you know he roomed with Emperor Palpatine in college? Yeah. They researched advanced methods of douchefacery together. Allegedly. Regardless, Reaver is awful. He would probably steal your drink and try to sell it back to you. Hell, he might even try to take over the bar and enslave everyone in it. It’s likely that he’d kill someone you care about at some point in the night. The point is, it would be a terrible night, and it would be all Reaver’s fault. The worst part: you won’t even get to kill him when it’s done. Bloody sequels...

Magikarp of Pokemon
You: You enjoying your beer?
(Magikarp uses SPLASH)
You: Well that had no effect...
(Magikarp uses SPLASH)
You: You are a pathetic excuse for a Pokemon. No, seriously, that’s what it says right here in the Pokedex. I agree though.
(Magikarp uses SPLASH)
You: Dammit, you knocked over my beer! I’m out. Ugh...

Kreia of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
My hatred for this vile and loathsome woman is no secret. As far as drinking companions go, she ranks safely amongst the worst possible choices. Think about it: Kreia constantly admonishes you for doing anything. At the beginning of the night, she’ll criticise you for not drinking enough, and once you’re on your fourth pint, she’ll lecture you for drinking to excess. If you’re the accommodating sort, you might try to moderate your drinking to shut her up, only to find out at the end of the night that she’s against bars altogether, at which point she attacks you with three floating lightsabers. What a horrible night... 

Kaidan Alenko of Mass Effect
Aside from his touchiness when it comes to anything at all and insistence on “keeping it professional”, Kaidan is generally, well, lame. But the main reason he would suck as a drinking partner is as follows:

You: You enjoying your beer?
Kaidan: “THE ENEMY IS EVERYWHERE!!!”
You: Jesus, I’m right here, no need to yell! Also, what?! We don’t even have any enemies...
Kaidan: “GO GO GO!”
You: Go where? And please, stop the bloody yelling, dammit. I am seriously right here.
Kaidan: “Area secure...”

Talk about much ado about nothing. And of course, he’ll blame it on his sad little life story and his biotic condition. You don’t get to cry about superpowers. Deal with it.

Necromorph of Dead Space
“OH MY GOD IT’S A NECROMORPH KILLITKILLITKILLITKILLIT!”

That’s how your night would go. Cheers.




*This author does not endorse drinking and driving in real life.