Renegade Shepard of Mass Effect: A Profile in Civility

Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.....

And a complete and utter jerk.

I had an “opportunity” to sit down with the famously uncouth Shepard this week, and I somehow managed to escape without being knocked out cold. He must’ve missed the Renegade interrupt. In any case, we discussed a wide range of topics spanning from his tumultuous childhood on Earth to his more recent exploits concerning the fate of the entire galaxy.

A warning to the reader: the following contains spoilers for Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2. Also, you should totally go play those games if you haven’t, because duh.


El Jefe: Commander Shepard, you grew up in the foul, cuthroat slums of Earth. What was your childhood like?

Commander Shepard: “I don’t have time for this! The mission comes first.”

EJ: Sir, this is your mission. It’s in your Journal and everything: O&E Interview. It’s just a slow day in heroics is all.

Superman's taking it nice and easy, knocking a few back to unwind.

CS: “Oh. Fine. I’ll talk. Earth was Hell. It was full of idiots and criminals and thugs, people I kill these days just to do the galaxy a favor. I had to get by all on my own, with nothing but my strength, my resolve, and my balls. It was tough, yeah, but I managed. It made me the badass I am today. Have you ever headbutted a krogan?

EJ: Ah...no, can’t say that I have, sir. So your desire to escape Earth drove you to enlist with the Alliance, then?

CS: “Damn right it did. The Alliance was a place for me to prove my strength to everyone. I could kick some ass, kill some bad guys, and get the job done. The only problem I’ve ever had are all the bullshit regulations. But what can you expect from a bunch of politicians.”

EJ: I take it you’re none too fond of politicians?

CS: “Politicians are what’s wrong with the galaxy! They’re always getting their greedy, cowardly little fingers into everything, making life harder for guys like me to kill people. It pisses me off! When I’m pissed off, I shoot things! And their damn red tape won’t let me shoot things!”

Shepard's views seem to be in good company......alright, alright, I couldn't keep a straight face.

EJ: Errr...right, of course, sir. Anyway, what would you say is the best part about your job as savior of the galaxy?

CS: “Definitely punching people. Preferably female reporters. Though shooting hostages comes in at a close second. Oh! I almost forgot about throwing people out the window! How could I forget that?”

EJ: I see, sir....well, defenestration is pretty amusing. Has there ever been a time when you’ve felt in doubt? Perhaps thought that you would fail in something?

CS: “I’m Commander freakin’ Shepard. The Collectors killed me and all it did was piss me off! You think I’ve ever been scared?

EJ: No, sir, of course I wasn’t implying as much. Perhaps concern, but...ah nevermind. As you may know, rumors have been flying around that some bigger threat is on its way, something even bigger than Sovereign or the Collectors. What are your thoughts on this? Are you concerned?

CS: “Like I said, I’ve died. I’ve defeated a Reaper. I’ve killed a weird, terminator-like, Human-Reaper hybrid. I’ve killed those Collector bastards. I’m not afraid of some more of those machines; after all, machines can be broken. I’ll break them all, and if they kill me, I’ll get up and break them again!”

EJ: Well said, sir. Have you any advice for civilians who may not be gifted with either exceptional courage or virtual immortality?

CS: “You can either fight at my side or get crushed under my heel! But you will not, stand in my way!”

EJ: So they can sit in your way then, sir?

Commander Shepard didn't appreciate my admittedly lame attempts at humor...

An awkward minute passes.

CS: “I should go.”