The Outlaw's Least Favorite Game Moments: Almost Everything About Sonic Adventure 1

Guess what everyone! Sonic turns 20 this summer! However, instead of waiting till then to give everyone's favorite hedgehog shit, I'm going to do it now. Anyway, there are many I've talked to who say they have fond memories of Sonic Adventure 1. How could they not? It was a launch title on the most criminally killed system of all time, the Dreamcast. Well, like telling a child there is no such thing as Santa Claus, I'm going to ruin all of that for you. Then the healing can begin.



First of all, calling the game Sonic Adventure is a bold-face lie, mainly because it's not his adventure. It's every stupid character in the game's adventure. It's a Sonic game where you spend most of the game playing as his "friends", most of which have no business in a game that should be about speed. Let's go through them shall we?

TAILS
Tails is arguably the only other character that belongs here. After all, he had existed since Sonic 2, and getting a second player to control him was pretty fun. In fact, if they had made a game where you play only as Sonic and a second player could join you as tails it might have been a lot better. Besides how awful the dialogue and voice-acting is, I don't even mind his voice. They hadn't quite gotten around to castrating the poor fox back in the Sonic Adventure days. Unfortunately, that is no longer the case.

KNUCKLES
Okay okay, he can stay too. After all, he appeared in Sonic 3 and of course, Sonic and Knuckles. However, his levels revolve around, wait for it, digging. The sad part is, they aren't even the worst part of the game. But, we'll get to that later. Beyond that, his conversations with Sonic involve some of the most awkward reactions and facial ticks I've ever seen in a game. Start at 9 minutes and watch the remainder.


"Smooth move knuckle-head. *shrugs*" What the? Why did you shrug, Sonic?! That gesture doesn't belong there!

I'm not going to lie to you, though. I've had a strong level of contempt for Knuckles since Sonic 3. Mainly because of this:

YOU SHUT IT! YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

AMY
What the... where the... the fuck? Who are you? Why are you here? Why do you wield a hammer? Where do you keep that hammer? Do you realize Sonic doesn't even want you around? Why would I want to play as you? Why would I want to even look at you? GET OUT OF MY GAME! GET OUT AND NEVER DARKEN MY TELEVISION SCREEN EVER AGAIN! Think I'm overreacting? Just watch this:



E-102 GAMMA
Who the hell thought this was a good idea? They took a engine that obviously wasn't built around shooting, and put in a character that does nothing but. I don't HATE Gamma, I just don't think he belongs at all. His levels are boring and the shooting is bad and it basically does it for you. Also, he's a cold, unfeeling robot. Thus, uninteresting. Not that anyone else really is, mind you.

BIG THE CAT
Out of everything that is wrong with this game, he has to be the absolute worst. Sonic games are supposed to be about speed and fighting robots and Big is the the absolute antithesis of this. He's overweight and slow for one, but that isn't even the half of it. When you play as Big, you have one singular goal in mind, fishing for your "friend" Froggy. Yes, fishing. And it takes forever. And on top of that:


HE'S RETARDED IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD! Actually no. That's an insult to retarded people. No offense.

Well, that about covers all the characters. Oh, also, this is when they started calling Robotnick Eggman, but that speaks for itself. Hold on, though! I'm not done!

Okay, so we have an annoying, nonsensical cast of characters. Where do we put them? Well, we could put them in Sonic's traditional setting... or we could put them on Earth... where they can wander the streets... that are full of humans. Yes, Robotnick is a human, but he is the only one. Sonic and pals just don't fit in. They just stand out amongst the people and cars and no one bats an eye. While it wasn't awful, per say, it eventually set the series up for one of its biggest sins: Sonic and Elise in 2006's awful Sonic the Hedgehog.


It actually gets worse than this, but this site does not endorse or post bestiality.

I could go on about the bad camera angles, bad boss fights, and blah blah blah, but I think I've made my point. Sonic Adventure 1 is awful and you're awful for liking it. But hey, at least this happens near the beginning!


YEAAAAH! THIS IS AWESOME! AND THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING! Oh wait, the game never tops this. I guess I can just play the first level over and over again. *sigh*