The Outlaw's Last Favorite Game Moments: EVERY GODDAMN THING ABOUT GHOSTS 'N GOBLINS

I recently had the misfortune to PAY MONEY for the arcade version of Ghosts 'N Goblins on the Wii Virtual Console. Widely regarded as one of the hardest games of all time, I decided to take a shot at the retro classic. Well, after three trips to the doctor to test for high-blood pressure, the verdict is in: THE WHOLE FUCKING THING IS BULLSHIT!

First of all, you only get two measly hits and then it's a one-way trip to maggotville. Sure, there is the rare chance that enemies drop armor, but most of the time they drop items that only look like it. That brief moment of relief is replaced by feelings of hate as the game basically tells you to enjoy some points that mean nothing. And then... then there's that red devil fucker.

See that spawn of evil taking a javelin to the face? Kill him... then kill his demon family. Eat his children and burn his village. Hunt down the remainders. Never stop.

I have more hatred in my blood for these bastards than I do for hipsters (it's the "in thing" to hate them right now, right?) For one, they are the only enemy I have encountered that does its best to dodge your attacks, and it does it well. Once they are airborne, they might slam into you with a move that seems inescapable. They might land and march at you shooting projectiles. Or... and, I'm being serious, they might just walk through the floor and pop out on top of you. Don't believe me? Just watch this Irate Gamer video and pay extra attention at 3 minutes and 7 seconds. TAKE IT AWAY GUY I'VE JUST NOW HEARD OF!


Fuckin' aye, man.

He talks about some of the other things that piss me off, such as that useless torch, so I'll leave it at that. Fuck you, Ghosts 'N Goblins. Fuck you and everyone you've ever loved.