The Importance Of Using Bombs Wisely: A Lesson From A Legend

A few months ago I explained why "using the boost to get through" things was a function absolutely crucial to survival in today's world. However, this was merely one life lesson that the great prophet Peppy sought to teach us. Like a disciple who has set forth to spread a holy doctrine, I will explain yet another teaching of the Church of Hare: Using bombs wisely.Surely this is the face of holy wisdomMankind has been using bombs for centuries upon centuries. As you all know, or should know at least, China was the first to develop gun powder around the mid-9th century. While you might think they used this invention to kill people, they actually...

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City-Swimmer of Oblivion: A Biography

“Does anyone see City-Swimmer?” asks the shabbily dressed Argonian female crouching before me. “Is he gliding beneath the silver water? Is he creeping ‘round a corner, hugging a wall, silent as a shadow in the dark? No! I am here! I stand proud before you, City-Swimmer, trainer of the prospective Sneaker, the sly sliding unseen...

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Super Street Fighter 3DS Review

As much as I love the 3DS I have to admit that the launch line-up is pretty weak. With Steel Diver and Nintendogs+Cats (what a dumbass name) tanking in the review department and people saying that Street Pass is the greatest thing about the system so far, it's hard to argue against that point. But there are diamonds in the rough, Rayman being one of them. But nothing shines like Street Fighter.It may not be the flashiest fighter, but Street Fighter has always been at the top of my fighting game list. I love Mortal Kombat for the violence and I love MvC for the characters. But when it comes to the mechanics, nothing shines like Street Fighter.Like...

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A Week In The Life Of A 3DS Owner

The following are entries found in a bloody journal apparently written by me. I have no knowledge of this and I feel as though I have only now regained true consciousness as of my purchasing of the 3DS. It seems to chronicle everything related to the 3DS from 12:01 A.M. of Sunday, March 27 to 11:59 P.M. of Saturday, April 2. The later entries have been deemed somewhat disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.Sunday, March 27-Stephen and I just got in line! We got the numbers 5 and 6 so we got to cut waaaaay the hell in line. I called it our press pass. Stephen told me to stop talking.-It's in my hands! Why do my pants feel tighter?-Just played...

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Four Reasons Why I Wish I Was a Video Game Character

1. General Badassery Let's be honest when was the last time you played a video game where the hero of the game wasn't awesome in some (if not all) way(s). It's the condition you must meet in order to be the hero. Being the Hero comes with all the perks. Saying things that would normally get your ass beat down so quick, without flinching, knowing without any fear that even if that huge obviously superior alien gets angry you are still Man enough to take that sonofabitch down. The Hero is charming, and funny. He always gets the girl by flaunting his obvious awesome, his beaming charm and his relieving comic remarks, and he makes me feel funny...

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Sonic (Generations?) Teaser Trailer

On the facebooks, I am a fan of Sonic the Hedgehog. My reasons are mostly nostalgia related as I can't stand a vast majority of the newer games starring the Blue Blur. But I guess it does come in handy to be a fan as I will always be alerted to the next disappointment early on. Unless... the game doesn't look like shit! That's where Generations (is that what they're calling it?) comes in.Wait! Is that!?IT IS! THAT IS ORIGINAL SHORT FUCKING SONIC THAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING FOR UNCOUNTABLE YEARS! To be honest, when I first saw the little guy my heart dropped. I thought they just invented Sonic Jr. or something just as infinitely horrible. Then I...

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Rayman (Mostly 3DS) Review

Yay! It's Rayman! It's in 3D! It's really awesome! Honestly, I feel like that's about all I can say about the game. It's a perfect Rayman game. Just as good as any you have every played, except in 3D. The music is always fun and keeps you jammin' a little bit, the Teensies, Globox and Rayman provide doses and doses of hilarious charm again and again. The 3DS controls like a friggen dream, and the depth is as real as it gets. The levels are difficult enough to keep you entertained, but not hard enough to discourage you. The collectibles are not always obvious, you'll find yourself searching for several hours to find those last 10 Lums, but that's...

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The Elitist's Least Favorite Video Game Moments: Sidekicks (Noooo, not you Kazooie)

Hey I know you are busy you know, saving the world and beating up really really bad guys, and Ima let you finish. But, uh... you know... You can shoot the big glowing eyeball on the boss to win. . . . Hey I know you are busy you know, saving the world and beating up really really bad guys, and Ima let you finish. But, uh... you know... You can shoot the big glowing eyeball on the boss to win. I KNOW!!!!!!! We all know the feeling. That annoying mentor character/helpful sidekick that gives you useful (obvious) information throughout the game. The moment you actually have to stop and think about what to do, the Up-C button starts to blink because...

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David Cage Criticizes L.A. Noire Motion Capture Technology

If there's anything I've learned from watching the games industry for many years of my life, it's that individuals who work at game developing companies who criticizes other developers are dicks. I'm looking at you Peter Vesterbacka, founder of Rovio. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR SHITTY ANGRY BIRDS GAME IS GOOD ENOUGH TO COMPETE WITH REAL CONSOLE GAMES!? DO YOU REALLY THINK CONSOLES ARE DYING BECAUSE PEOPLE BUY $2 TIME WASTER GAMES ON THEIR MOBILE PHONES!? ARE YOU REALLY THAT MASSIVE OF A TOOL!? GUESS WHAT! I CAN PLAY THE GAMES YOU RIPPED OFF FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET. ANGRY BIRDS SUCKS AND SO DO YOU!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!Oh goodness,...

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The Outlaw's Favorite Game Moments: Don't Fuck With A Witch

Creepy, effeminate, anime men aside, the last fight in Bayonetta is a hectic masterpiece. But that actually isn't the reason I love it so much. What makes it appealing to me is how it actually manages to defy the conventions of the game. Up until this point, everyone's favorite witch has been a cocky little lady who has managed to hurt or kill anything remotely angelic by summoning her hair demon things. This is no longer the case. Now she's up against the big bad and things are a bit different.He fucked with a witchBefore you misinterpret what I mean and think I just like seeing her beat up on, I must tell you that's not it at all. I'm not that...

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The Elitist's Favorite Video Game Moments: The InstaGib

splat Yea, and who doesn't love an old fashioned instagib. The gun that wins is always the favorite of the FPS multiplayer warrior, because, you'd have to be a brain dead donkey nipple to not love sending your opponent into oblivion with a single shot. It's the ultimate battling pleasure...

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