Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Top Five Most Annoying Boss Fight Mechanics

So before I get into this article, you might want a bit of backstory on it. This was originally going to be a “Top 10 Best Boss Fights” list. However, when going over the vast number of games I’ve played, I’ve come to a rather depressing conclusion: a lot of boss fights suck hard. I then toyed with the idea of having a “top 10 worst boss fights,” but then came to the conclusion that this would cut into Chris and Steven’s favorite and least favorite moments, so I thought on it some more, and realized that a great many boss fights that suck tend to have certain factors in common, usually to hide laziness on the part of the developers. They construct a boss, and realize “hey, this guy is too easy. Let’s find a way to make him ridiculously hard without actually making the fight involve strategy.” This is what is called “fake difficulty.” This is where a fight is made very difficult without making it necessary or even possible to utilize some form of strategy. What this list is not about is very hard bosses in general. A boss fight can be loads of fun while still being very difficult, but this is where it just feels cheap, not hard. However, sometimes there’s just an irritating aspect about certain bosses in general, or sometimes it’s just lazy design in general. So here is a list showcasing these factors:

5. The Sudden Gameplay Change Boss

Okay, so you’re playing a game, the combat is good, or the stealth is good, or whatever the main appeal of the game does its job very well, and you’re in general having a lot of fun playing it. Then a boss comes along (usually the last boss of the game), and for whatever reason, the game designers thought it would be fun to take what the main appeal of the game is, and remove it for that fight, and suddenly drastically change the way you’re supposed to play it. The most prominent example to come to my mind is fighting a boss named Luxord in Kingdom Hearts II. The combat quality of the Kingdom Hearts series aside (don't worry, I liked it, but I know some didn't), this boss fight is just annoying as hell. First off, it's timed, which is something I already don't like unless there's a good reason for it, which there isn't. The point of the battle isn't to beat him until he has no health left, but to steal "time" from him by hitting him, or by playing real time little card based gambling games that seem to make up the rules as the fight goes along, and if you mess up, you get turned into a die or a card, and all it does is make the battle insanely frustrating.

4. The "Enemy Spam" Boss.

This is a very annoying type of boss, because in addition to often being extremely difficult, the reason they are difficult is essentially because the developers usually couldn’t be bothered to come up with a more creative way to make the boss fight memorable, or contain actual strategic difficulty, so instead, the boss’ primary strength is his ability to spawn tons of enemies at you while you fight him. Sometimes it’s just a shitload of weak enemies, or sometimes he spawns enemies that might as well be minibosses at you. Sometimes he runs off while you fight these enemies so he can heal or something, but other times he just fights you along with his hordes. Both are equally annoying, and it’s a really cheap mechanic. The worst offender for this type is probably Theseus, from God of War II. While when he actually fights you, he’s a fair fighting, difficult, yet fun boss, but halfway through, he jumps up to where he can’t be hit, and summons minotaurs to fight you while he spams ice spikes to come up through the floor to impale you. It’s cheap, it’s not fun, and just bugs me.

3. The "Get Back Here!" Boss

Hooooooooboy. I hate these bosses. I mean really really hate them. These guys aren’t the most difficult or cheap type of boss, which is why they don’t go in the number one slot, but they get this position because of just how god damn annoying they are. We’ve all fought one like this. He usually has fairly weak physical attacks, although not always, sometimes has poor physical defense, but again, not always, but what he always does do is either right before you hit him, right after you finally do land a hit on him, or before you can get to him, is either run away faster than you can catch him, or teleports out of the way. Bonus points if he mocks you while doing so. Again, it doesn’t really make for a cheap “fake difficult” boss, it’s just incredibly irritating to have to constantly chase him down over and over again, deal crap damage, and repeat the process. Note that this does not apply to any boss that happens to teleport. One of my all time favorite bosses, Nelo Angelo from Devil May Cry, teleports a lot. What makes this type of boss cheap is when he uses his teleporting to evade you for the sole reason that if he didn't, you'd mow him down in three seconds. Probably the worst example here is Professor Perry from Red Dead Revolver. He’s a sort of magician type who actually manages to combine both this aspect, as well as the “enemy spam type,” as he constantly gets his circus midgets to attack you while you’re trying to find him. No, I’m not making that part up.
Finding him is also very annoying, as the level is very dark, and he keeps teleporting all over the place while mocking you, and drinking some kind of weird potion to restore his health. Yes, Red Dead Revolver was a very strange game.

2. The “All Luck and No Skill” Boss

These bosses are just shit. Plain and simple. I love a good boss fight, especially when it’s got genuine difficultly to it, and involves the use of strategy and proper tactics to beat them. What the inversion of this is, then, is the implementation of a boss that is incredibly difficult, and there’s not really any effective strategy to beat them. By that I mean that when you finally do beat them, it doesn’t feel like “yeah! I bested you!” It feels more like “Jesus Christ, I finally killed you, you cheap asshole.” Chris has already covered this type of boss in one of his least favorite moments, the infamous Robot Spider boss from MegaMan X. It just scurries like mad all over the place, and if it touches you, you take an obscene amount of damage, and is invincible until it touches the floor, and then it’s only vulnerable for one hit, and the amount of time this vulnerability lasts for constantly diminishes, eventually only being about a fourth of a second. When he and I finally beat it, we were angry, frustrated, and it didn’t feel like a real accomplishment, because it just felt like we finally got lucky as opposed to actually beating it.

1. The Anti-Climax Boss

Alright, so you’ve slugged your way through the levels, you’re at the end of the final dungeon, you’re blood’s pumping for the fight of your life, and you’re ready to go. This shit is epic beyond belief. Anyone who comes here afterwards is just going to have to pull a Willem Dafoe from Boondock Saints because shit is going down here and now.

You you kick the doors of the final boss open, yell something awesome like “My name is Iningo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!” and then launch into it.
And then the bastard drops dead in one or two shots
No, there has to be some mistake, he’s gonna revive and have an amazing second form, right? He has some kind of giant robotic suit with missiles and shit that he’s gonna jump into, or he’ll mutate and grow angelic wings while hurling fire down upon you, or maybe there’s some kind of reveal showing who his true master was, right?
Nope. He’s dead, and that’s it. Good game, right?
NO. Fuck that shit, I wanted an epic boss battle to end them all! Instead I get something comparable to just a random enemy? This is some bullshit right here.
Note that this kind of a fight doesn't have to be quite as blatant as that. In fact, what's sometimes even worse is having a boss that's been built up this whole time as an unstoppable force of evil just being very easy. At least if he just drops dead from one hit, the game might be trying to send some kind of message about how he was actually powerless the whole time, but when this happens, you just feel cheated.

The Good Doctor's Most Favorite Moment: Fighting The End

Hey guys, this is Austin filling in for Stephen this week for most favorite moments, as he is very busy.
Anyway, this moment is sort of a love it or hate it moment, as many found The End to be extremely difficult, and as such, don’t really like him, but it’s for that reason that I like the fight against him so much. Since at its core, Metal Gear Solid 3 is a stealth game, and while you can go through the game just blasting enemies left and right, most, including myself, prefer to sneak around like the badass spy that Big Boss/Naked Snake is. Therefore, most of the boss fights are sort of a different pacing, being straight up, conventional boss fights where you just have to run and gun.

The End, however, changes that. I never thought there could be an actual boss battle based on stealth, sneaking around, and stalking the boss, but then I fought this guy. Unfortunately, I can’t really provide a video to demonstrate the awesomeness of fighting The End, since the fight is long, drawn out, and above all, tense. Some boss fights utilize ideas of tension by simply making the boss exceptionally difficult, or very frightening, but the fight against The End is as tense as it is because the whole time, you’re trying your best to find where he is, while praying that he doesn’t find you first. You’re given a huge expanse of forest to hunt him in, as well as for him to hunt you, and you have make use of all your sneaking skills and equipment available. Just hope that all the suddenly you don’t hear an old man saying “This is the end.” Why? Because it will be followed by *BANG*

The video is kind of long, and it's really just to give you an idea about the fight, as it's really about the personal experience of it.

Anyway, I'll be posting another article later also about boss fights in general, so stay tuned.

The Outlaw's Least Favorite Game Moments: Black Ops' Voice Acting

Ok, I should make a distinction here. Most of the voice acting in CoDBlOps (lols) is pretty good. I mean c'mon, Gary Oldman kicks ass. My main issue is with the guy who plays the main character and protagonist, Alex Mason. His name may seem familiar, a one Sam Worthington; the star of Graphics Porn the Move (Avatar). I won't say much about that movie. I never saw it because I'm not the kind of person that sits through a ridiculously long, unoriginal movie just because it looks pretty. Anywho, from what I hear, the Australian born Worthington didn't have the best American accent. However, the movie takes place in the future so who cares. We don't know how people will sound then. However, Black Ops takes place in the 60's so there is no excuse for an American to not sound American. Thus, an issue arises when he doesn't. Spoilers?? *Shrugs*

Oh wait, we've got the wrong guy. This Mason guy we're looking for is supposed to be an American. Crap. I guess we better let him go then.

I know I probably shouldn't get "angry" over this, but I can't help it. IT'S STUPID! If the guy can't do an American accent, then hire someone else! You have a character that is supposed to be American, SO MAKE SURE HE SOUNDS RIGHT! Ed Harris is an American, and he plays one. It works. I can't speak for how good Oldman's Russian accent is, but he is an amazing actor, and he never lets his actual one slip through. At the very least you could have taken a second take! Eh whatever. Stupid voice is stupid. Oh and I'm not writing a review over the game. Anyone who is going to buy it already has or will.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Our 100th Article!!!

Hey there!! We are not dead!! Contrary to popular belief, and world wide rumors, the writers here at The Outlaw and The Elitist are in fact alive, and are still bringing you awesome stuff.

Today is a special day! For it marks the day, of our 100th post!! Yay! Which, is why we appeared to have been sucked into an inter-dimensional portal for almost a week. Well... we were sucked into said portal... but we were also writing this!! What you have before you now, is a list of 50 things we love, and 50 things we hate about video games. It ranges from characters, to items, to themes, ambiance, animation, art and music! Along the way, you will see links to video you should watch in order to grasp what we loved/hated. I hope you enjoy and that it's full of the lols!
We want to thank all of you for reading, and commenting (those who do) and ask you to keep it up! This is for you! TheOandE will continue posting as usual now, thanks for your patience! Enjoy!

Things We Like, Very Much
Kimahri (FFX)

Sure, he had crappy abilities for a while. But he's a beast. Freaking awesome.

M16 (Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare)

Yea, I was that guy. The one you all complained about because I knew how to use an M16. Sorry guys. Get pwned.

Kirby (Super Smash Bros)

You just can't throw this little guy off the edge. Super floaty abilities for the win.

Alucard (Castlevania: Symphony of the Night)

Basically a badass. All the benefits of being a vampire, yet we love him as a hero. And who doesn't like turning into mist?

Master Chief (Halo)
No description needed.

Kain (Legacy of Kain)

Travels through time. Ruler of the world. Shapes the future. Did I leave anything out?

Rocket Launcher (Goldeneye 64)

Priests (World of Warcraft)

Look at me. Look at your health. Now look back at me. This is the man that saves your life. Look at your health. It's low. Look back at me. Now look at your health. It's full. Now back at me. What's in my hand? That heroic weapon you wish you had. Look down. Back up. I'm standing in purple.

Creep Tumors (Starcraft II)

I likes to spread the creepy creepies.

Organizational ability (Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind)

So... Oblivion is cool with that whole hand moving stuff thing. But remember the good ol' days when items could overlap? There's nothing quite like hoarding weapons and armor and making a museum of your awesomeness.

Revert (Tony Hawk series)

Making 1,000,000+ point combos possible.

Blitzball (Final Fantasy X)

Best. Minigame. Ever. The only thing I don't like is how far into FFX you have to get before you can actually play.

Level "altering" (Red Faction)

Rocket launcher + destructible walls = level altering.

Sonic Rings
There’s just something special about Sonic Rings. Maybe it’s because they’re full of some secret magic. Not only does the possession of a single ring keep you from death, expect by the squishings, but a creature without pockets can magically carry an indefinite number of them. Beyond that, they are just worth picking up. Collect enough and they can give you anything from an extra life to a bonus room, and will even turn you into Super Sonic after collecting all the chaos emeralds! Oh, also the chime they make is wonderful.
Fire Flower (Mario)
The fire flower looks deeeeep into your soul…

One of the simplest and best power ups of all time, the fire flower has always been awesome because it allows you to easily pick off enemies that it usually takes some finesse to kill. Hell, it even kills piranha plants! At the same time, it manages to change a core gameplay mechanic without the game losing its heart. That’s an achievement in of itself.
Zelda Music
Zelda has some of the greatest music of all time, bar-none. There’s literally a song for every moment and emotion and none of them have ever gotten old. Besides, no theme has ever been so synonymous with success than this
Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2)
Hey Valve, why don’t you please everyone in the world again like you always do? Seriously, how much do I actually have to say? It’s a gun that can turn anything you can pick up with it into a weapon! A Headcrab zombie isn’t so scary when it has a saw blade lodged in its face… er… crab… crab-face?
Kuribo’s Shoe (Mario 3)
C’mon! It’s a giant shoe that you can hop around in that can move over any surface… At least in the one level in the one game it’s in… I miss that shoe *sniffle*
Ok… so it’s a little less practical in the real world…
I’ve loved Yoshi since his first appearance in Super Mario World. There’s just something about his spirit I find admirable. He is just so happy no matter danger he faces! I mean, Yoshi’s solution to any problem, besides eating it, is just to try harder. Can’t make that jump? Just kick your feet and try to go a little further. It’ll work. Beyond that, he saved Mario when he was just a wee lad, so we owe Yoshi for Mario’s existence. Oh, also, his digestive system is changes his waste into eggs. Imagine having a pet you never have to clean up after!

Captain Price's Mustache (Captain Price's Magical Rainbow Adventure AKA Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2)
I’m not worthy of commenting on this work of art. It’s just too magnificent.
On second thought….
Agro (Shadows of the Colossus)
There is something to be said about a companion as loyal as Agro. If I was Wanderer’s horse, I would have abandoned the balance-deficient lad the second he ran me towards one of those Colossi. Besides, this just gives me another excuse to yell “Agro!” at my roommate in Wanderer’s voice.
Ellis (Left4Dead2)
"I ever tell you about the time Keith made sushi? Yeah, his mom took him to a sushi place for his birthday and he didn't want to go, but he turned out he LOVED it, man. But it's like 10 bucks a su-sho in one of them places, so Keith figures hey, how hard can it be to roll up some raw food in seaweed, right? As it turns out, it's hard. Now, they say that experience is the best teacher, and experience taught Keith that if you ever eat three pounds of raw chicken, it kills you. Now luckily, Keith's brain went into self-defense mode and started shutting organs down to head the chicken off at the pass, and the doctors were able to get 'em out before his heart stopped. But to this day, Keith has no sensation in his right foot, and doesn't recognize his own brother Paul no more."
Hammer (Super Smash Bros.)
The hammer has been a staple of the SSB series since the first game on the N64, and it damn well deserves it. Nothing sends your opponents running in the opposite direction jumping around like idiots than you grabbing this magnificent mallet of malevolent mayhem. However, I happen to be one of the proud players who has managed to hit someone while they were wielding this weapon of mass destruction. Yeah, I’m that good.
Yarn Kirby (Kirby's Epic Yarn)

Liberty Prime (Fallout 3)
Liberty Prime is up there with the best video game robots ever, next to ROB from Chrono Trigger and HK-47 from KOTOR. He is less sentient than they, but this is why he is great. You see, he is very single minded, with his sole purpose being the ERADICATION OF COMMUNISM! Why? Because Communism is the very definition of failure. That’s why.
Yeti (Alien Hominid)
Eating Communists has never been so much fun! I mean, look how happy he is!!
Tali (Mass Effect)
She is just so freaking adorable. So shy and cute! She is so smitten with Commander Sheppard, but too shy to do anything.

Kazooie(Banjo Kazooie)
Have you ever had a friend as helpful as Kazooie? If you say yes, I would absolutely love to see your friend help you run faster, jump higher, kill enemies with eggs, and even her beak, and oh yea… FLY.

Portal Gun(Portal)

Okay, does this one need an explanation? Portals! Fun! SO convenient!!

Chocobos(Final Fantasy)

Big Yellow Chicken ftw!

Biggorons sword(Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

Look, it’s a giant sword. It does double the damage, looks twice as cool can somehow fit inside the very sheath that houses the Master Sword… however, it still can’t kill Ganon!!

Hidden Blade(Assassins Creed)

“Hm, this fellow is dressed in an odd manner, in fact, I think I’ve seen this guy before. Wait a second… you are that Assa-“ ………..

DK Rap(Donkey Kong)

So they're finally here, Performin' for you. If you know the wordsy ou can join in too. Put your hands together, If you want to clap, As we take you through,This Monkey Rap.

Mega Buster Cannon(Mega Man)

There is an energy cannon. In his arm. His arm cannon. It’s an arm energy cannon. Pew Pew
Chozo Power Suit(Metroid)

It’s a suit of power. Samus is hot.

Big Daddies(Bioshock)

Epitome of steam punk awesomeness. Huge, armored super-scuba divers, with glowing faces and freaking drills on their arms. They are fast, ridiculously strong, and are called Big Daddies. You will never be this cool.

Djinn (Golden Sun)

Adorable and deadly! Never have I seen such an adorable little beast cause so much awesome chaos. Yay summons.

Big Boss’s Cigar(Metal Gear Solid 3)

Ah, a completely tactically useless item that takes up inventory space and actually depletes your health when you have it equipped. Then why do I constantly have it equipped in this game? Because it’s bad ass, that’s why.

Youngster (Pokemon Red and Blue )

You may be wondering what I like about this random character from the pokemon games, who really doesn’t stand out. One sentence: “I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!” That is just hilarious. Oh, Japan, never change.

PIZZA! (Devil May Cry)

Sllllooooooowww….. mmmmmooottioooonnnn…. Pizza eating….. Fuuuuuckkkkk….. yeeeeeaaaahhh….

Lucifer (Devil May Cry 4)

This one gets on this list for the sole reason of its absolutely ridiculous acquisition scene

Midna (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)

I know some people don’t like Midna, but I mainly do because it’s the first time a character in the Zelda series has been as well characterized as she has. Plus, for the first time, I’m not telling my little advice fairy to die in a fire.

The Merchant (Resident Evil 4)


Akira Yamaoka (Silent Hill Series [the music from the games])

I’m going to refrain from speaking about all the various aspects of the music from the Silent Hill games, because if I did, I’d be at it for several pages, so I’m simply going to say that the music is some of the best I’ve ever heard in a game series, and give you a little listen

Kratos’ Incredibly Hammy Acting (God of War)

The God of War games are widely recognized as being loads of fun to play, but one of my favorite things to do is to play the “God of War Drinking Game.” The rules are simple: take a drink of your beverage every time Kratos shouts for no good reason. (Please don’t actually play this game, you will die.) Also, “ATHENA?!!! YOU CONSPIRE AGAINST ME?!?!?!”

Chris Redfields Tree Trunk Arms (Resident Evil 5)

Aparrently part of the process of being rendered in HD is that you gain about 50 pounds of muscle weight in each of your arms. Chris’s arms in this game are ridiculous and hilarious, and I love it.

GLADoS (Portal)

GLADos, you are a lying liar who lies about lying, but for some reason, despite the fact that you spent half the game trying to kill me, I still like you. I’m not even angry. I’m being so sincere right now.

Knights of the Round Materia (Final Fantasy VII)

AKA the “Kill Everything Summon.” It takes FOREVER to get it, and a guide to Chobobo breeding, but it’s worth it to be able to link it with the mana absorb spell, and just own everything in the game.

Okamis’ Artistic Design

This game sold rather poorly, and while it didn’t receive bad scores within the video game media, it just didn’t receive nearly the amount of acclaim it deserves. The story is well done, the characters are all hilarious, and the game is simply gorgeous.

I Wanna Be The Guy

This is a neat little free game you can download just by searching it on google. The reason it goes on here is because it’s a tribute to every ridiculously hard Nintendo platforming game ever made. It’s also probably the most difficult game ever made. As in it makes Super Meat Boy seem easy. If you’re in the mood for masochism, here it is.

Things We Very Much, Do Not Like
I Wanna Be The Guy
I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, wasn’t this something he liked?” It is. I also hate this game, because while being an amped up tribute to old school sidescrolling platformers, it’s really, really, really, REALLY hard. And that’s not just me complaining, the whole point of this game is to be as unfairly difficult as possible.
Sindragosa - the !@#$ing b*tch (World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King)

Suffer mortals... as your pathetic magic betrays you!

Terran (Starcraft II)

Don't even get me started on this OP race. Initially I was going to just do Thors with their ridiculous anti-air range that rapes my Mutalisks. But then I realized that I hate the entire Terran race. Go Zerg.

Missing that jump (Every game)

Why couldn't they just make a bridge?

LMGs (Call of Duty series)

Learn to use a real gun. Until then, I’ll be shooting your face off with my sniper rifle.

Pikachu's Thunderbolt (Super Smash Bros)

Spamming is for... hateful hateful individuals...

Playing Diablo 2 in modern times

Gameplay and graphics just hurt my highly advanced brain.

Dodging lightning 200 times... in a row (Final Fantasy X)

Lulu doesn't deserve a legendary weapon anyway.

Running out of PP (Pokemon)

First of all, just running out of PP is hilarious. Haha he has no PP left. But on a more serious note, how come I always forgot to go to the Pokemon Center right before the battle where I needed to spam Flamethrower but only had 3/20 PP... Stupid plant pokemon.
Like Likes (Legend of Zelda)

Give me back my shield, you stupid gelatinous whore.

Alucard’s Doppleganger (Castlevania: Symphony of the Night)
I like playing with myself a lot more than having to beat myself. I mean, come on...
Being a good guy (Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic)
Who wants to lose out on Force Lightning? Sure, you Jedi folk may try to use it, but it's just pathetic really. In all honesty, your little force speed boost probably doesn't compare to a good lightning bolt to the face.
Lag (Duh)
Why didn't the game count my bullets?! I hit that guy!
Navi(Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

My lord… I hate this damnable fairy with every fiber of my Legend of Zelda loving soul… No Navi, I won’t listen, no shut up, oh my god, I have been ignoring your for 12 years, stop saying Hey… No I do NOT want to talk to Saria. YES I HAVE NOTICED DEATH MOUNTAIN!! OF COURSE IT LOOKS STRANGE, IT HAS BEEN SURROUNDED BY A RING OF MYSTICAL EVIL LOOKING FIRE YOU STUPID STUPID FAIRY!!
Myrrh/Crystal Chalice(FF Crystal Chronicles)
NOT IT!! Yes!! I don’t have to carry that stupid freaking chalice that, admittedly keeps us all alive, makes it certain that I will receive no gold, experience or loot this level! Suck it, whosever turn it is to carry this giant piece of inconvenience!
Oh wow, you were waiting behind that wall for me? Hmm well that sucks. Oh hey, you are still there.. I’m dead again. The hell, still?!?
::toss grenade:: lulz….
Spikes (MegaMan)
Mega Man, lets have a talk. You are, well.. how do I put this. A ROBOT, MADE WITH MATERIALS I CANNOT EVEN FATHOM!!! How is it… tell me.. that a piece of sharpened metal is able to kill you? Not just kill you… make you explode? Hmm? Tell me….
not mine, thanks to the guy who drew this, where ever you may be!

Beggars/Lute Players (Assassins Creed)

“Ezio did not kill civilians!” Screw that, if he had to deal with this bull crap, I’ll bet he did. I do. Jeez…
Blue Shells(Mario Kart)
Oh right, this is Mario Kart, and I was in first place. Silly me. ::Begins to spew profanity::
Gargoyles (Fable)
Because I need continues strikes to my self-esteem. I AM A DELICATE FLOWER!!!! Who will shoot you dead… o.O
The Cake (Portal)

A lie…? But-but… I really really wanted some cake….

Regenerators (Resident Evil 4)
Because an invulnerable zombie making terrifying moaning noises, shaking down the hall way at you is the single most horrifying thing, ever. Forever.

Bulbears (Pikmin)

Oh god... oh god no… this can’t be…This is a dream... how did I let this happen…
You.. YOU BASTARD!!! They were my friends!! You ate all of my Pikmin, you sick sick bastard!! I just want to go home... Oh god why! WHY!!!
Mudcrabs(Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion)
::combat music::
Oh-oh man… what is it... where… what... um… Where is the enemy…?
The hell? Oh… it’s a freakin mudcrab... hidden in the grass attacking my feet… ::sigh::
I've fought mudcrabs fiercer than you!!
Tanks (Left4Dead)
Well... we were doing well. Now we are all dead. Stupid super zombie… that is not even fair.
Addictions (Fallout)
Dammit, I picked up all of these really awesome weapons, and I have things to sell.. but I am over-encumbered. Oh I know! I’ll just take some buffout! WHAT?! I took this chem once and I am addicted! I don’t even know where a doctor is… Don’t do drugs, kids!

Devil May Cry 2

Devil May Cry is a series I love. DMC2, however, represents everything that can go wrong in the video game industry. After the success and raving reviews of the first game, everyone was clamoring for a follow up. Capcom obliged… by replacing the director who promptly decided to take the series in a “new” direction. The result was lazily done, the combat was unbearably simplified, the story was full of gaping plot holes, and seemed like it was written as an afterthought, and it just showed that Capcom was interested in making a game that sold on the basis of it’s name rather than any real merit it had.

The Tribals (Jet Force Gemini)

This could just as easily be “Rare collectibles in general.” I love Rare’s games, but they for some reason felt the need to make you collect a million different things before you could beat the game. In Jet Force Gemini, an under-appreciated and otherwise wonderful N64 game, had the tribals, who you must rescue, and they are no exception. What puts them on this list however, is the fact that not only are they incredibly annoying to track down (and you have to save ALL of them), but it’s just that they’re so damn fun to kill.
..and you will want to burn them all.

Rose (Metal Gear Solid 2)

Do I really need to say anything? I mean, is there anyone out there who actually likes this character? I mean, seriously, Raiden is trying to rescue the President; he doesn’t need his girlfriend bitching at him about his anniversary. “NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS, SO TELL ME OR SHUT UP.”

Tingle (Legend of Zelda)

Again, do I really need to say anything? I mean, look at him.

Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2)

Are we seeing a pattern here? Raiden is, in so many words, just not a very interesting character. He’s whiny, not very intelligent, he’s not Solid Snake, and he has the following line: “Colonel, we’ve managed to avoid drowning!” :D You go on and continue to be happy about that fact, Raiden. I’m personally going to lament it.

Princess Ruto (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

Ruto is just annoying. Not much to say here, I just didn’t like her very much, and having to carry her royal ass around inside that enormous fish was really irritating.

Roman (Grand Theft Auto 4)


Sora (Kingdom Hearts II)

This one and the one that follow require a bit of explanation, and I realize I may catch some flak for my opinions, but they are my opinions, so here they are. In the first Kingdom Hearts game, Sora was an interesting, likable character, just trying to get back to his home, and to save his (admittedly rather generic) girlfriend from the bad guys. Standard JRPG lead character motivations, but still an all round fun character. Then comes KHII, where for some reason, Sora seems to have lost about 50 I.Q. points, at some points literally just forgets major events from the first game, and in general, just acts like a total idiot. Then there’s the infamous scene where he meets Riku and Kairi again for the first time in over a year. I’m not going to bother trying to explain it, because, well, just watch.

He gives the presumed love of his life an awkward little hug, but breaks down in tears at the feet of his “best friend.” In the words of Jerry Seinfeld: “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Roxas (Kingdom Hearts II)

Oddly enough, I actually kind of like Roxas, but mainly because I feel sorry for his character, because he, much like Sora in the first game, just wanted to live his life in peace with his friends. The reason he goes on this list though, is more because of what he represents: the shitting up of the Kingdom Hearts plot. KH1 was a fun game with a straightforward plot. KHII and onwards, you practically need to have the Kingdom Hearts wiki open at all times to figure out what the hell is going on. Roxas is sort of the embodiment of all this convoluted mess.

Yuffie (Final Fantasy VII)

Ah, a character for whom my dislike is very straightforward. I always get her, because her sidequest unlocks lots of little goodies otherwise unavailable, but god dammit is she annoying. From being a poor fighter, stealing your equipment on a regular basis, and just being annoying, she definitely belongs here.

Vaan (Final Fantasy XII)

It is my opinion that since Final Fantasy X, the series has been going steadily downhill. X-2 was just grossly inappropriate for the series, and completely messed up on the characterization, XI… well, pretty much no one played XI, so that says something, especially since they were essentially playing follow the leader to Blizzard. Enter FFXII. I don’t want to turn this into a mini-review, so I’m just going to suffice it to say that I didn’t like it. Vaan was the worst aspect of it, mainly because he fell victim to the “androgynous male lead” syndrome. There has been equal amounts of speculation as to whether Meg Ryan or Ellen Degeneres was the chief inspiration for his looks, and neither of those are good things to model a male lead after.

Shadow the Lamehog (Sonic Series)
IHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIM!!! *Ahem* I hate him…. Why? Because he has no business being in Sonic games. In a sense, he represents a lot that is wrong with the series. They took a colorful world and added an uninteresting emo asshole to it. Fuck you Shadow… and the stupid hover skates you move around on.
Andross’ Face/brain (Starfox)
What? He’s an ugly monkey. What’s not to hate. Next topic. Ok fine. Legit reasons. Here’s the thing… ANDROSS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! I mean, he’s supposed to be a monkey, but he’s just a huge head with hands! But then… he becomes this!
What the hell is this? Some kind of robot? Well maybe, because if you fight the “real Andross” he becomes a giant brain that can shock you somehow and grab you with tentacles. It also talks! How the hell does a brain talk, or attack, or move? And if you destroy that brain, he manages to come back later in a different game. Friendly reminder, don’t mess with Space Chimps. Logic does not apply to them. Also, they are huge.
Oblivion Gates (Oblivion)
Time to make a distinction. I have nothing against the large gates outside of each city in Elder Scrolls IV. They serve a purpose and can be closed for good. It’s the wilderness gates I can’t stand. Nothing sucks more than walking through the wilderness, looking for a sidequest while enjoying the scenery to see the sky go red and then be attacked by daedra. If you are a higher level it sucks even more because then you’ll be overpowered by those damnable Spider Daedra. That’s not the worst of it though. If you decide to enter and close it all you’ll get is a lousy Sigil Stone. And sure, that gate will disappear, but then it’ll pop up somewhere else! Congratulations Mehrunes Dagon. You may be the Daedric Prince of destruction, change, revolution, energy, and ambition, but you’re mostly just the prince of inconvenience and pestering.
Dog (Duck Hunt)

Need I go on?
Peter (Earthworm Jim)
What is it with games and making me hate puppies? I love puppies! Yet, games decide to make them jerks. Sure, Peter is fine at first, but the second you mess up while escorting him across the level he turns into a foul beast of death and destruction. Look, I’m sorry I messed up, but it wasn’t on purpose. You know what, the next time a friend of mine forgets to return something to me, forgets to pick me up, or accidentally lets me fall down a bottomless pit, I’m just gunna turn into a violent creature of murder and teach em’ a lesson. That’s positive reinforcement, right?
Reaver (Fable II and III)
He’s a prick they never let you kill. I need no other reason beyond that.
Katey (Dead Rising 2)
There’s not much to say about her that hasn’t already been said. If you read my review or played the game, you know she makes an already annoying game worse. But if you need more than that…
*shudder* it's just not human....

Reporter (Mass Effect 1 and 2)
I don’t understand what this bitch’s deal is. For some reason she is always trying to make the hero of the galaxy look like an ass. Funny when the paragon choice is basically telling her to go suck a big one. The renegade choice on the other hand
Keese (Zelda)
Can’t stop here, this is bat country. Also, the bats are sometimes on fire… or on ice. How the hell does that work? Anyway, they are annoying.
Early Resident Evil Dialogue
Bowser Jr.
Where the hell did this little bastard even come from? Bowser had tons of kids and none of them were Bowser Jr. Then he just showed up all of a sudden. Also, he somehow manages to be more annoying than all the other tykes put together. I’m surprised the other ones haven’t introduced their dad’s favorite child to a lava pit yet.
Wall-masters (Zelda)
Dear lord are these awful. What kind of enemy has the sole purpose of grabbing you and sending you to the beginning of a dungeon? A bastard one. I would rather fight a room full of ReDeads than fight just one of these jerks.
The face of evil... wait...
Bull Colossus (Shadows of the Colossus)
What… A… Fucker. This is one of the cheapest bosses I’ve ever fought. Why? Because if he hits you once, you’re pretty much done. Every time Wanderer tries to get up from a hit, this colossus will hit him before he even stands up. This can result in you just watching the screen helplessly for 5 minutes as the bull knocks your hero around the room until he dies. How do you escape this? You get lucky. Sometimes the bull will knock you into a crevice it can’t ram you in. If he doesn’t, you die. End of story.

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