Thursday, June 30, 2011

Unreal Engine 3

A while back, we got a look at what a game might look like using Unreal Engine 3 technology that is still being worked on by those awesome fellows at Epic. For reference, here is that very video that came out around March.

Smoking has never looked cooler

Nice little glimpse into the future, isn't it? Well, yesterday Epic released a screenshot of the new engine's capabilities, and while that may seem like a step back from a full length video, it's impressive in one very important way. It's a picture of a green, hilly field rather than a grimy looking city.

The hills are aliiiiiiive... with the sound of gunfire at some point most likely.

While the picture speaks for itself, I must say it looks downright incredible. The lighting is in all the right places and the grass and trees look amazingly real. All of you longtime gamers out there know how many years we've been waiting for realistic looking foliage. The rocks look like actual rocks as opposed to giant hunks of lumpy crap and that fence... well it looks like a fence. The future looks promising. And expensive.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Thank You GameStop!!

Hey kiddos! Today, the lovely people at GameStop did a happy, good, and helpful thing for your friends here at The Outlaw and The Elitist.

World of Warcraft Free to Play Up To Level 20

With subscriptions falling as time progresses, Blizzard decided it was time to take proactive steps in their marketing.
In order for WoW to make money, you have to become addicted enough to keep paying for monthly subscriptions. It's a hard thing to start, unless you have friends that coerce you into playing it. Why start a game you have to pay for and don't know you will like? It's your lucky day.

The Outlaw's Least Favorite Game Moments: Roy

Here's the deal. I started the week off with a review, it's finals week, and I'm tired. If Stephen gets to cop-out, so do I dammit. Unfortunately, if I went into detail I could spoil a recent game. So all I'll do is say this.


I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you with a lovely feature soon.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Minecraft Patches Will Be Split

Notch recently released information semi describing the details of the soon 'Adventure' patch and the implementation of Pistons into the game.
The Pistons will be available with patch 1.7, which will be released "soon".
The Adventure mode on the other hand, will be in patch 1.8, and won't be here for a few more months.
This is a Pig. He is excited.
Notch speculates the release will be sometime around 11/11/11 (specifically after that week) saying: 
"We want to make a big spectacle out of the release where we involve the fans and celebrate it properly."

Notch hasn't said too much about the Adventure mode, leaving us anxious and excited, but what he has promised is:
"New complex terrain features, at least one new mob, some interesting new combat mechanics, a new lighting engine, and some experimental new gameplay ideas.”

“To come is more interesting farming, bigger incentives to explore, and npc villages.”

Notch apparently wants to bring the exploration and combat aspect of the game into a more interactive light. Having the ability to customize and build nearly anything you want is really cool, but it isn't for everyone. Bringing in more "rpg" like mechanics can make the game more enjoyable for a larger crowd. Also, npc villages?? Towns of square people roaming about for us to help/talk to/quest for/laugh at/ kill ruthlessly/steal from/ignore entirely/watch get owned by creepers? Should be fun. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Elitist's Favorite Video Game Moments: The Headshot

Cop-Out feature go!
Headshot. I win.
Who doesn't love the head shot? Some games are make it harder to get that satisfaction, others make the reward factor super high, and sometimes it's just as simple as the instant kill. So, here you go. I have many video games to beat, and stuff to do. Enjoy this.

Have fun. Shoot heads.

Shadows of the Damned Review

I have a thing for insane games, which is probably apparent from my love of Vanquish, Bayonetta, Bulletstorm, etc. So obviously, a strange love child of Suda 51, Shinji Mikami, and Akira Yamaoka (composing the music of course) would be right up my alley. And it most assuredly is, considering all the bat-shit craziness that covers this thing. Add dick jokes to something this mad and you've apparently made a game that appeals to me wonderfully, but trust me when I say it's a lot deeper than that.

Everyone involved with the game did what they do best. Suda created the characters, the world, the tone, and the did writing. Shinji took care of the gameplay and mechanics (in case you don't know him by name, he is the gentleman that brought us the wonderful Resident Evil 4). Then, of course, there's Akira Yamaoka who knocked another soundtrack out of the park. Anyone who has played any of the Silent Hill games will know what I'm talking about. I've heard people voice concerns that there are too many creative forces at work for this to be great, which is a legitimate concern. Get too many great actors in a room and it becomes a group exercise in mugging (that's a theatre term; it doesn't mean a physical mugging; yes, I used to be an actor). However, with everyone having their defined jobs, it all meshes perfectly, starting with the combat.

Like I said earlier, this was designed by the guy who did Resident Evil 4, so it plays a lot like that. The main difference is that you can now SHOOT AND AIM. That alone makes it better (the combat at least). Being able to maneuver around a horde of demons while picking them off is a necessity so it really wouldn't have worked without it. There are also these dark zones that kill you slowly that you either dissipate immediately with a "light shot" to a goat head (I told you this game was insane), or you have to brave them because certain switches can only be triggered from inside them. Meanwhile, enemies made invincible by the darkness will be hoping to tear your face off, so moving while lining up the shot is also important. If I wanna get nitpicky, and I guess it's my "job" as a critic to do so, I will say that some more polish could have gone into making all this work perfectly. At it's core it's great, but Garcia (our protagonist) didn't feel as heavy as I would have liked. It gives off that weird "I'm not controlling a human" feel that I find hard to describe. There's also some stiff animations to go along with it, but like I said, I'm nitpicking. Sometimes the camera went wonky as I used the "quick-turnaround" button as well, but it never actually got me killed.

This should all look pretty familiar

The rest of the actual gameplay is superb, though, implementing your usual parade of upgrades. Blue gems, which you get from bosses, give you a set new weapon or weapon upgrade. For example, one will give you the teether, basically a sub-machine gun, while a later one will turn your Boner into the Hotboner which adds a bomb-launching capability to the weapon. Did I mention the Boner is your pistol weapon? I probably should have mentioned that first. Red gems, which you can find lying around or trade white gems for with a human/demon hybrid named Christoper, are used to upgrade your weapons and health as you see fit. It's all pretty standard fare. Unfortunately, and this is a pretty big unfortunately, you can't start a second play-through with all your upgrades carried over. This is a huge lost opportunity for replayability. We shall mourn for it and then move on.

So this won't carry over? Maaaaaaaaaan.

The world that Suda 51 has created is truly fascinating in a B-movie horror film kind of way. Hell, there's even a whole section that references Evil Dead, one of my favorite horror movies. The main goal is also about as video-gamey as you can get; the devil, Fleming, steals your girlfriend and you go to hell to save her. Along for the ride is your faithful companion Johnson, who is an ex-demon, floating, shape shifting skull. Everything you use (your torch, sub-machine gun, pistol, and shotgun) is all him. And as always, nothing with Suda is conventional as the guns don't shoot bullets at all. The only things that kill demons are parts of demons, so the boner shoots bones, the teether shoots teeth (which are technically bones), and the Monocussioner shoots skulls. I'm not going though everything, but each gun goes through permanent major upgrades throughout the game that ups their capabilities greatly. The Teether, for example, becomes the TeethGrinder (sprouting several barrels) and then the Dentist (which has auto-lock abilities). Needless to say, each blue gem brings excitement.

"Taste my big boner!" Yes, that is a thing that is said when this thing happens with a thing you only use once... thing... (The gun is actually called The Big Boner)

The tone is something that completely succeeds despite how hard it is to pull something like this off. It's completely over-the-top and goofy with a dick joke around every corner, yet at the same time it can be genuinely creepy and even disturbing. As crazy as your girlfriend is, seeing her suffer again and again in hell makes you feel something for her. What that is depends on you and whatever reaction you had to seeing a giant topless version of her writhing around in of the weirder parts of the game. Hopefully that's enough to entice you perverts out there. But at it's heart, it's an incredibly goofy adventure. Sure, the constant immature humor won't appeal to everyone, but that's because some people have strangled their inner-children. If you buy into what's going on you'll no doubt be entertained. The only parts that left me confused were the weird 2D section in which you fly around and shoot while collecting things and not being forced into obstacles by the moving camera. Sure, I know it's a throwback to retro games, but it's honestly incredibly bizarre. Not bad... just bizarre.

Like I said... bizaaarrrrrrrrrrre.

The soundtrack is, of course, a masterpiece that ties everything together. This isn't a music blog, so I won't go into any musical intricacies that I've picked up on from being a musician , but trust me when I say it's amazing. The second you hear the theme that plays when you follow around the glowing angler fish (like I said, insane) that are spread throughout the game, you'll fall hard for the music. Beyond that, there's not a lot more I could put into words. It's a weird-as-hell good time that definitely deserves a run-through. Now, if only they would have given us a playthrough+ option. I might never get over that.

9 out of 10.

Afterthought: You regain heath by drinking alcohol. How could I not love this game?

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D Review.


Boom, 10 out of 10 right? Yea mostly. If you loved the old one, freaking get this game for the love of all that is holy and good. End of Review.

If you are somewhat new to the franchise, first of all, you have not yet obtained your soul, and second... Well, we can't be friends until you know the mastery and perfection that is Ocarina of Time

So, again, the game is nearly perfect already. OoT is arguably the best Zelda title to have ever existed, and in not changing any major part of the game, OoT 3D is going have the same ring. There are a few things I want to make particular mention of

The Water Temple
It has never been a secret that the Water Temple is my least favorite part of this game, or of any game for that matter. (don't actually read that, it's bad). However, the temple has been retooled to a small degree. Nothing fundamentally was changed, which in itself is a good thing as far as preserving the spirit of the re-release. Things are just noted more clearly. Each wall panel that changes the water level now has trails of light on the walls leading up to the room in which it is housed. They are color coded, and have little pictures that indicated to which level that particular panel would change the water. That's handy on it's own, if you are one to forget which panel does what, now you know. There are also many points in the temple where, previously, a way would open up, but you would have no knowledge of it. Now, if ever a secret way opens up because of something you did, the camera points you towards the new opening. Sweet. Aside from that it's the same. Oh, right. One more thing. NO MORE OPENING AND CLOSING THE MENU SCREEN TO EQUIP YOUR IRON BOOTS, NOW WITH JUST A SIMPLE PUSH OF MY TOUCH SCREEN THE BOOTS COME ON AND OFF LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! N3RDGASM GO!!!!

The Motion Controls
Hate em. They are really fluid, really accurate, but annoying as shit. You can turn the motion controls off but the control stick sensitivity is so bloody low, that some of the mini games are ridiculously harder this way. Keeping the 3D on while using the motion controls is far from prudent, seeing as how you have to move the DS to aim, and in doing so, you throw off the optical illusion. Dump. You also look like a total turbo-twat if you are playing in a public place, and trying to shoot the targets and the Gerudo Archery Range. 

Before: Shitty

Yea, that's really about it. It looks faaaaantastic. At times, I felt like it could have been better (the like likes were almost identical) but overall, the game is a ridiculous upgrade and I really doubt I could be happier. (Well... unless we Next gen graphics...)
After: Happy
Things that used to look crappy and lame have been ramped up and now are well... awesome... 
(The boat in the Shadow Temple, the bridge into Ganondorf's Castle etc)
Ummm... yea... soooo... *awkward silence*

9.5 outa 10.. Because screw motion controls

Supreme Court: Violent Video Game Ban Unconstitutional

Politico reports today that the Supreme Court struck down a California law banning the sale or rental of video games to children under 18. In it's 7-2 decision, the Court held that video games qualify for free speech protection under the First Amendment and could not be restricted since "psychological studies purporting to show a connection between exposure to violent video games and harmful effects on children do not prove that such exposure causes minors to act  aggressively." The decision can be read in full here.

Friday, June 24, 2011

New Details on Brink DLC: Agents of Change

Bethesda has announced that Brink's first DLC, entitled "Agents of Change" is slated for release in early July, and will be free for two weeks on Xbox Live, PSN, and Steam. Agents of Change will reportedly feature "two all-new environments, five new player abilities, two new outfits, and two new weapon attachments," all of which are described in a previous release by BethesdaBethesda also stated that players "can expect" a full title update alongside the DLC's release, an update including "online optimizations, AI enhancements, and weapon balance tweaks based on player feedback". Finally, four screenshots of the new DLC have been released, which have been included in this article!

This author primarily hopes that the update vastly improves the online experience (for instance, adding a bloody party system). As for the DLC, I'm most looking forward to the bayonet weapon attachment, since melee fighting is sort of my thing, and "The Limey" character outfit, since I am a fan of the British and of rarely heard words like "limey". Enjoy the last two screenshots!

Bungie Is Passing The Torch. The Blue Flaming Head Torch...

With Bungie bowing out as the producer for the Halo franchise, Microsoft is taking over bring us a new trilogy, starting with Halo 4.As a sign of gratitude, goodbye, and to salute to all their fans that made them stinking rich, they have made the Blue Flame for your character's head (for Halo: Reach) available to everyone. Previously the Bungie name plate and blue head fire was exclusive to Bungie employees only. Now that they too are now the fans they have given the privilege to everyone.

To unlock your super sweet new swag, just register your gamertag to or you can download the Bungie App. Registration will close on Bungie Day, July 7th. Light 'Em Up!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Happy Birthday Sonic! [Updated]

Today, 20 years ago, the first Sonic sped into the homes of everyone who had a Genesis, including mine. Yeah, I was only born a few years before in 1989. What of it? Since then, the Blue-Blur has seen his share of ups in downs, tearing it up in the 16-bit era, and then struggling for relevance ever since. My hatred of Sonic Adventure 1 has been well documented. But we here at the O and E still love the little guy, which is why we praised Sonic 4 Episode 1 even though a lot of people hated it for stupid reasons. And now we have the great looking Generations to look forward to. But this isn't about successes and failures. It's about a character who has survived for 20 years (that wasn't from a Nintendo franchise), and shows no signs of stopping. Happy birthday, Sonic. May you have many more to come.

Update: Also, marking Sonic's 20th birthday, a demo is now available on XBLA for the up-and-coming Sonic Generations. You can play through the first act of Green Hills Zone (as old school "chubby" Sonic only, however). The full game is set to release "late 2011"

Gears of War 3: Horde 2.0 Briefing.

                Besides it being new, by virtue of being GoW3 the new horde has new added features. Namely, fortifications. You (and your friends) construct a Command Point/Control Tower thingy, in strategically selected (i.e. preset) locations. Now, you will be able to build Barriers, Sentries, Turrets, Dummies, and a giant mech thing called a Silverback. It's awesome. Every 10 waves, you and your team have to fight a boss wave. You earn money by killing Locust/Lambent and by completing optional objectives during the onslaught of grubs.

In a nut shell, kill grubs, make money, build shit, and kill grubs... ad infinitum.
Some people (not including myself, this looks really fun) have been biting their thumbs at the new features, claiming the old medieval methods are more superior and require more skill. Or something. To this, Epic's Cliff Blesinzinski said, "Just go ahead and hit eject on your Xbox. Put in Gears of War 2. Horde still works there." So yea.... Demo videos! 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Halo Anniversary Will Have Kinect Integration

"As a first party we believe that Kinect will be important to all genres of games, be it racing games with Forza, combat games like Ryse- even games like Halo Anniversary has Kinect integration."

Those were the words of Microsoft Game Studios General Manager Phil Spencer regarding, quite obviously, the Kinect. Can you imagine what the words "Kinect integration" and "Halo Anniversary" used in the same sentence, regarding each, did to the internet? 

something sort of like this....

That's what happens when you make blanket statements about something everyone hates, ruining something everyone loves.
I'll let you stew in that panic for a while....

Little longer...

Kinect.... for Halo...?

Oh God, no... What.. What could it mean...?

I don't know, but what I do know iisssss.....

"Just to let everyone know, the Kinect features we're exploring with Halo Anniversary are optional and won't affect your core game play experience. Our mission, from day one, has been to deliver a faithful recreation of the original game, and we remain dedicated to see that through to completion."

This was Microsoft's official statement after Spencer's original interview, to ensure that the space-time fabric stayed intact, and to protect themselves from the hordes of angry teenagers and college kids wielding paper mache Energy Swords and wearing Spartan helmets. 

Crisis Averted.

Indie Game News! Zombies and Exploration!

Project Zomboid
So, remember back in the day, when I brought you lovely people information on a sandbox zombie survival MMO? Well, Project Zomboid may just be the ticket. Still heavily in production, Indie Stone Studios released a "Pre-Alpha Tech Demo" They had no previous intention to do so, but after the baby trial became downloadable on the internet, Indie Stone decided they might as well make it legal. I popped in and gave it a look-see, and I all I can say for sure is it has potential. When I booted up the game, I was met with a woman (presumably my characters wife/girlfriend) who was bleeding out on the bed from a broken leg. My objective was to find something to act as a bandage. I searched around for a while, and I wasn't able to find a bandage, but I found a pillow and a pillow case. I tried using the pillowcase as a bandage, but it didn't do anything. When I used the pillow by itself, I was taken aback at the result. The woman said the following

"What are you doing?! Oh god, no..."
"I'm sorry I slowed you down."
"I love you."

And then she was dead. Woa.

So, keep your eye out on this puppy, it looks like real thought and development is going into its creation.  Just remember, it’s pre-alpha. Which is pre-beta. Which means only just now sort of playable. So don't get your britches in a knot because the frame rate blows, or because you can't craft a blockade. It's a working progress.

Less exciting but still interesting, the FPS puzzle solving exploring game Kairo opened up pre-orders today for some sweet bonuses. For 8$ you can pre-order the game; this will also give you the exclusive chance to try out the alpha demo. For $60 you can purchase the super awesome package, and you get a signed DVD and your name in the credits! Whoo Indie Games!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Why I'm Sick of the Mobile Phone/ Console Gaming Comparison

I've been letting this whole "mobile phone gaming" thing stew for a while and my over-opinionated ass can't help it anymore. I have to rant (in a civilized manner). We've addressed this kind of thing in passing; an example being that imbecile at Rovio (you know, that company that made that flash game rip-off Angry Birds and made way too much money off of a broken fluke) saying mobile gaming would kill consoles. But this is all old news. What inspired me to address this in written form now? Well, there are rumors out there that Apple may make a console. While I am against this idea for a whole different set of reasons (WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER DAMN CONSOLE ON THE MARKET), it's the reason that some people are excited that got me up-in-arms over the whole thing. Mainly, individuals thinking that iPhone games are a good example that Apple gets gaming and that these mobile games are just as good as console games. I hate to break it to you, but that is just wrong. They need to stop being compared, because in reality, they just don't.

Sales and Download Figures Don't Mean a Damn Thing

One of the big arguments from advocates of the importance of mobile games is that they must be good because they've been downloaded so many times. Well, if that isn't some really flawed thinking, I don't know what is. People are thirsty for time-wasters on their phone. Hell, even I am. The difference is that I play rehashed versions of old games like Pac-man and Tetris. But when a game like Angry Birds is as hyped up as it is and only costs a few dollars (or is even free in some cases) it's obviously going to sell a ton. But it doesn't matter. You can't compare the download figures of an overhyped mobile game that costs a few dollars to a full-fledged game that costs over $60. People are more willing to spend a little than a lot, and when they need something to entertain them on the bus to work they'll fork out the cash. Console games don't always sell that high because there is the risk that you may not like the game and the amount of money that goes with that risk is a lot. Then you have games that are $4, and that would probably seem like a drop in the bucket to anyone with a smart phone. The standards just aren't the same. Do you know anyone that would pay $60 for Angry Birds? If you do, you would do well to put him out of his misery. If bubblegum sales are high, it doesn't mean that restaurants should be threatened by the "competition".

Mobile Gaming Does Not Make People Into Hardcore Gamers

Okay, I'll admit that I don't have any figures on this, but do you know anyone that played Infinity Blade on the iPhone who had never played a console game before, and then decided to buy an Xbox or PS3? Didn't freakin' think so. I have played many of these so-called hardcore mobile phone games and none of them have been even close to as good as the best console or PC games. Sure, some of them are amusing, or even fun, but the apologist doesn't understand that a lot of them rip-off existing games. NOVA was well received, but it was a total Halo clone that was nowhere near as good as the real thing. At the end of the day, most of these games are time-wasters and probably couldn't convince the uninformed to fork out hundreds of dollars.

Mobile Gaming Hasn't Really Innovated at all

Even though I don't own an iPhone (I have a Droid X), I'll admit that it has innovated a lot in terms of what a phone can do. It's distribution service is incredibly stream-lined, and some of the app capabilities are incredible. The games on the machine, however, have not done the same. People talk a lot about the touchscreen interface for gaming and what a new idea that was, but that is so incredibly wrong. The original iPhone debuted in 2007. The Nintendo DS (famous for it's freaking touchscreen) came out in 2004. Nintendo was doing what the IPhone would do years before it came out with waaaaay better games. It also has a d-pad and buttons, because guess what, using a touchscreen as a controller sucks. It's unresponsive, and in the case of the iPhone and Droid phones, the controls are over the screen your game is on. So have fun when your thumb covers an enemy.

That's about as in-depth as I feel like going, but I don't know if any more needs to be said. I'm not anti-mobile gaming. There would be no point to that. However, as was indicated by the point of this article, its biggest advocates need to stop talking about how it's killing console gaming. It's not. It's also not proof that phone devices are replacements for gaming consoles. People don't buy smart phones for the sole purpose of playing games. It is not a stand-in for your console. If games like NOVA and Angry Birds were really the best the industry has to offer, I think I would pick up a new medium to invest in.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Best and Worst Drinking Buddies: Supporting Characters

A hypothetical struck me recently, one which I simply had to share with the best readers in the galaxy: what if you could go to a bar with video game characters? It would be awesome, yeah? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So I assembled the greatest minds of our time to come up with the best and the worst supporting characters with whom to drink. Cos main characters (both heroes and villains) get all the attention. Supporting characters are where it’s at. Anyway, do enjoy!
Also, there is no particular order. Just sayin’.

The Best:

Urdnot Wrex of Mass Effect
Really, who could say no to Wrex? This krogan warlord takes badass to previously unthinkable levels, and would only make a good night of drinking better. Be prepared to lose any drinking contest with him handily, however, especially if the drink of choice is ryncol. Even Commander Shepard can’t hold that stuff well, and as they say, “you can fight like a krogan, you can run like a leopard, but you’ll never be better than Commander Shepard.” NEVER. That Wrex can keep that stuff down speaks to his toughness, which can come in handy at a bar. Somebody tries to bother you? Wrex can punch them in the face! See an old friend? Wrex can punch them in the face! And let’s be honest, who can say that indiscriminate face-punching doesn’t make for a fun night? Communists, that’s who.

Little Jacob of Grand Theft Auto IV
Alright, so you won’t be able to understand the fellow, but Little Jacob cannot be beaten in terms of chill. Not to mention you’ll get a secondhand high just from looking at him. The whole bar will be singing “Kumbaya” by the end of the night with Jacob as your drinking buddy. And if not, well, he’s an arms dealer...there’s nothing quite like a good ol’ fashioned night of getting drunk and shooting everything that moves. Especially if you’re driving...*

Liberty Prime of Fallout 3
I know, I know, finding a place with accommodations for a forty-foot-tall U.S. Army combat robot may be difficult, but Liberty Prime would be cool enough to make up for it by about ten trillion. I don’t use units. Just ten trillion, trust me. I mean, the guy throws nukes like a football, for cryin’ out loud. Liberty Prime don’t mess around. Especially when it comes to communists. Or the Chinese. Actually, it’s advisable that you not bring any Chinese and/or leftist friends with you to the bar with Liberty Prime, for your sake. Those laser eyes and that nuclear football have some pretty intense splash damage. Provided you can manage not to get nuked, lasered, or simply crushed, however, the probability of your night with Liberty Prime as your drinking buddy being a success is 100%. 

HK-47 of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
“Another robot,” you might say, “What’s this guy’s deal with robots?” Well, I’ve only one defence: ROBOTS ARE AWESOME AND YOU WISH YOU WERE A ROBOT. So there. Anyway, HK-47 is an organic-hating assassination droid with a penchant for the maniacal. Sure, he may call you “meatbag” the whole time, but he means it in the most endearing way possible. He even says, “Endearing Response:” as a preface! Or maybe I just like to imagine that... In any case, if you’re like any normal human being, you’ll thoroughly enjoy the wanton death and destruction that HK-47 is sure to unleash upon your poor, unsuspecting fellow patrons. Normal people enjoy wanton death and destruction..........right?

The Worst:

The Adoring Fan of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Dear God in Heaven above. Or whatever you believe. This would be terrible. A character annoying enough to warrant tricking him into following you to the top of a mountain only to murder him in cold blood and watch him fall to his demise would simply make a horrendous drinking buddy. Hell, you couldn’t get a word in edgewise without him babbling on about the shrine he built in your honour, pledging to give his pathetic little life for yours (as if a weak little Bosmer would be of any help in a bar fight), or offering to pay for your drinks for the night...wait. No, he’s still awful, it’s still not worth it, and he’ll still take a tumble down the mountain afterward. Because he sucks. So bloody much.

Slippy Toad of Star Fox 64
You: You enjoying your beer?
Slippy: “Whoa! Help me!”
You: Help you? What are you talking about, it’s a beer, you drink it, you stupid frog.”
Slippy: “I’m havin’ some trouble here!”
You: How? Are you serious? Do you want me to pour the beer down your throat? You’re dumb. How do you fail at drinking a beer? Ugh...
(Slippy continues to whine, unsurprisingly. All you can do is sigh. Just when you’re ready to kill that little amphibian fucker, he changes his tune.)
Slippy: “Thanks, Fox. I thought they had me.”
You: Right. Whatever. You could’ve at least gotten my name right. Assface.

Anders & Fenris of Dragon Age II
Besides just being generally annoying creatures, Anders and Fenris together (I know, it sort of breaks the format, but work with it) would simply fight the whole time. You see, Anders has what experts refer to as a “pro-mage platform,” that is to say, he thinks mages are the best thing since ponytails. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum is Fenris, who proudly (and annoyingly) endorses an “anti-mage” platform. Seriously, he criticises you if you or anyone in your party is a mage, even though you just saved his stupid life. Anyway, you can imagine that trying to sit down to a nice pint of beer with these two hotheads would be a bit like having dinner with Lenin and McCarthy, but with magic instead of Communism. They are the same.

Reaver of Fable
The main reason that Reaver would be a horrible drinking partner is that he is a complete and utter doucheface. One of the biggest douchefaces in the galaxy, actually. Did you know he roomed with Emperor Palpatine in college? Yeah. They researched advanced methods of douchefacery together. Allegedly. Regardless, Reaver is awful. He would probably steal your drink and try to sell it back to you. Hell, he might even try to take over the bar and enslave everyone in it. It’s likely that he’d kill someone you care about at some point in the night. The point is, it would be a terrible night, and it would be all Reaver’s fault. The worst part: you won’t even get to kill him when it’s done. Bloody sequels...

Magikarp of Pokemon
You: You enjoying your beer?
(Magikarp uses SPLASH)
You: Well that had no effect...
(Magikarp uses SPLASH)
You: You are a pathetic excuse for a Pokemon. No, seriously, that’s what it says right here in the Pokedex. I agree though.
(Magikarp uses SPLASH)
You: Dammit, you knocked over my beer! I’m out. Ugh...

Kreia of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
My hatred for this vile and loathsome woman is no secret. As far as drinking companions go, she ranks safely amongst the worst possible choices. Think about it: Kreia constantly admonishes you for doing anything. At the beginning of the night, she’ll criticise you for not drinking enough, and once you’re on your fourth pint, she’ll lecture you for drinking to excess. If you’re the accommodating sort, you might try to moderate your drinking to shut her up, only to find out at the end of the night that she’s against bars altogether, at which point she attacks you with three floating lightsabers. What a horrible night... 

Kaidan Alenko of Mass Effect
Aside from his touchiness when it comes to anything at all and insistence on “keeping it professional”, Kaidan is generally, well, lame. But the main reason he would suck as a drinking partner is as follows:

You: You enjoying your beer?
You: Jesus, I’m right here, no need to yell! Also, what?! We don’t even have any enemies...
Kaidan: “GO GO GO!”
You: Go where? And please, stop the bloody yelling, dammit. I am seriously right here.
Kaidan: “Area secure...”

Talk about much ado about nothing. And of course, he’ll blame it on his sad little life story and his biotic condition. You don’t get to cry about superpowers. Deal with it.

Necromorph of Dead Space

That’s how your night would go. Cheers.

*This author does not endorse drinking and driving in real life.

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: Funny Screenshots from funny names.

So this is mostly just a random lol's post.
I decided to beat OoT with only 3hearts, because it was another excuse to play the game and I thought in celebration of Ocarina of Time 3D coming out tomorrow I would go ahead and let you lovely people have some laughs as well.
So, first off, the funny part...

Youtube Channel Now Official

Hey everyone. I finally sucked it up and deleted my youtube account to make an official O and E one so now things should be less confusing than all of us putting things up under my name. Here is a link to the channel. It has my old video up and hopefully there will be many more to follow.


Robin Williams Ocarina of Time 3D Commercial Brings the D'awwwws

We here at the O and E are admittedly cynical, and by that I mean me. I'm cynical. As hell. But, contrary to popular belief, I do have a heart and I can recognize when something is really sweet. A good example of that would be the newest trailer for Ocarina of Time 3D, which Stephen and I will be picking up at midnight. We weren't like you lucky bastards in the UK who got it yesterday. Anyway, prepare yourselves for a cute father-daughter moment and one epic beard.

Freakin' d'awwwwwwwwwwww

Besides the fan loyalty that absolutely drips from this ad, we also get even more great clips of the game showing off it's graphical overhaul. We need it to be midnight. Now.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Fast Talking Freddie's Fantastic Fuckin' Deals: Magic Beans!

Welcome to The Outlaw and The Elitist! The very best video game blog in the Galaxy. That's right, you heard me, the entire galaxy! I'm Fast Talkin Freddie, and well, I'll be damned if it's not your lucky fuckin' day! I'll be showin up, posting here on this blog, giving you the best deals on all of your favorite video game gadgets and gizmos, doo-dads, and thingy-ma-jigs; you would be a moron to miss out on all these fantastic deals!

I know what you're thinking: "Freddie? What's the point? Why am I such a lucky person today?"
Well let me tell you.

Let's go on a journey now, to the forever cyclical world of good and evil, Hyrule! Forever bombarded by constant shifts from prosperity to domination, Hyrule has managed to keep a thriving economy! Today's deal comes straight from Zora's river, but has nothing to do with Zora's. I don't trust those scaly sons-a-bitches, with their fins and their four eyes...... If I had it my way I'd charge right into thatnastyplacewithallthosenastystinkingfshpeopleandIwouldbringeverysingleoneofmygunsandgrumblefiggagraggablammanerflegramle..

Magic Beans!!
"Now Freddie" You are saying "I've heard a story about Magic Beans, and I ain't givin you my cow."
Fear not skeptical customer, because these Magic Beans are marked by the OandE Guarantee! We promise, on pain of death, that these Magic Beans will in no manner create beanstalks that will take you to an angry Giant's home. And that's a promise you can trust! No sir, these Magic Beans are of a different, unique, and affordable nature. For a low, low payment of 10 rupees*, you can purchase your first Magic Bean! What does the Magic Bean do, after all?

Have you ever wanted a plant, that after watering once, you can ignore for seven whole years, and it'll be completely bloomed and blossomed? Have you ever thought, "I really wish I could use this leaf to fly to hard to reach locations." Has there ever been a Piece of Heart you just couldn't obtain no matter how hard you tried? Well... then you need the Magic Bean!
free bottle is free
Plant the Magic Bean in soft soil, water it once, and then wait. After seven short years, your Magic Bean will be fully grown, ready to fly you around on its patented "It's Magic, I Have No Idea How It Works" technology!
Just wait! If you order with in the next 19 seconds, we will include this fantastic Bottle! Free of Charge! That's a Seven Cucco, Three Super Cucco, Distress Note, or Ten Big Poe value, ABSOLUTELY FREE! How do you plan on watering your Magic Bean without a receptacle? The Bottle is perfect! And we are simply giving it away! That's how fuckin' FANTASTIC this deal is!

There is more yet! I must have lost my mind! If you make a simple donation of one Triforce of Courage, we will throw in, for no extra charge whatsoever, this man!

Call Now!

* Price increases 10 rupees for every purchase.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

In Defense of Duke (Sort of): A Duke Nukem Forever Review

Disclaimer: This is the sole opinion of the writer and does not depict the views of anyone else attached to the site. This opinion seems mostly unpopular and I'm walkin' this path alone. Hell, they haven't even played the game.

So this review is going to be quite a bit different, and by that I mean really different. No pictures with semi-clever comments. No step by step walkthrough of its positives and negatives. It's not even getting a score. Instead, this is more of a direct response to the ass end of the reviews for Duke Nukem. Sure, some are decent. GamesRadar gave it a 6 and PC Gamer even gave it an 8, but this isn't about those. This is about the overwhelming amount of reviews that have given the game scores as low as 2's and 3's. I am not criticizing the outlets as a whole. All of them are reliable and legitimate which is why they are where they are now. I'm simply doing this because I don't understand the Duke hate. Before you read this, keep in mind that I am not a butt-hurt fanboy. The only game I've played in the series before this was 3D, which was really good, but it didn't have me looking into other games in the catalog. What I mean is, I understand the character of Duke, but I don't have a weird allegiance to him. I just don't like seeing games get scores below what they deserve, and in this case it was much too far spread.

We all know the laughable history of Duke Nukem Forever's development. That topic could take up a whole article itself, so I won't go into detail, but it is important to something I will say later. Anyway, as I already stated, Duke Nukem Forever has managed to "earn" scores as low as 2's and 3's, and when it was lucky, 5's. I understand that Duke is a polarizing figure. You either think he's funny because you see him as an over-the-top parody of the action hero, which he is, or you think he's an annoying jackass, which I can understand. But let's get one thing straight. Duke Nukem Forever did not deserve scores as low as a fucking 2. For reference, let's go through some other games that are widely considered to be garbage and received scores as low as DNF.

Would you prefer Duke Nukem's one-liners, or this moron yapping about staples of the platforming genre? If you answered the later you should die.

This game was so bad I couldn't even find playthroughs of it on youtube. I had to find the review I remember X-Play doing forever ago. I know they gave it a 1, but IGN gave it a 3.

Then there's this asshole.

So what do these games have in common? Why do they all have scores that freaking low? Because they are all ungodly boring and border-line broken!

Does this look BROKEN to you?

So why is it getting scores this low? It seems to be a culmination of four things. One, it has a lot of frame-rate and graphical issues. In this case, the criticism is very warranted. Watch a ship you're in's shadow move below you and it looks absolutely horrendous. The graphics aren't pretty either. Just look at the explosions (although I do recall the explosions in the Medal of Honor reboot looking like ass). That leads into reason number two; this is the game we got after 14 years. True, Gearbox probably got the product in shambles, but it needed to be better. The game has it's problems and they're apparent. The technical issues it has shouldn't be there. Then there's reason number three: A lot of the reviewers hate on the character. This is really a matter of opinion. Duke makes me chuckle and whenever he cracked jokes at other games I took it as more of a homage. It just had to be done through Duke's personality like the "doomed space marine" comment from 3D. If the developers really hated those games than they wouldn't have taken inspiration from them. It's a loving jab, but take it how you will. The point of the character is that he's a misogynist blowhard and that's what makes it funny. It's not like he's surrounded by intelligent people. I can understand if that doesn't make you laugh, but if you laughed at Bulletstorm you can't complain about it being immature. That brings us to four, the gameplay.

Here's the thing. A lot of the reviewers say there are stretches of boring gameplay and unnecessary puzzles. But what did shooters from that era have? puzzles and platforming. DNF promised to bring that style back and it did. People were excited about it, but as soon as they played it they hated it all of a sudden. Sure, it could have been done better, but why would you complain so damn much because you have a physics puzzle to solve. It's not that big of a deal. Besides, there is plenty the game does right. The driving sections are cool, and the shrinking sections make what would otherwise be typical level design very interesting. The guns are still really cool and the shooting is well-done. It's a competent game, and competent games don't deserve threes.

The best conclusion I can come to is this. It has problems, but because it's Duke Nukem and because it's been so long, people graded the shortcomings way too harshly. You don't grade a game on what it could have been. You grade it on what it is and DNF is not a 2. It's not a 3. Hell, I think 5 is pushing it. 2's and 3's are broken and Forever is far from that. It's main problem is that it's dated, but you don't punish it that harshly. It's honestly just not fair. Like I said, I'm not giving it a score. It doesn't matter at this point. My main point is that it's a fun game with problems that doesn't deserve the crucifixion it's been given. That's my two cents. Spend them on what you will.

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