The Hilarity of GTA IV: Something to Hold You Over

Hello, beloved readers! I've found it difficult to line up a proper interview with that slippery Argonian, City-Swimmer, for my next biographical piece, so here's an amusing bit of ridiculosity to keep you going through the relentless struggle that is the week.

The following is a rough description of a typical session of GTA IV... as my comrades and I play the game, at least:

Get up from couch-bed.
Run out of dingy apartment into the street.
Stab a man once and let him run away.
Stab another man to death while he begs for his life the whole time.
Listen to Mallorie on the phone for all of a second before hanging up..
Light a molotov cocktail in front of a cop. Put said molotov away, somehow.
Bash somebody’s  car window and windshield out with a baseball bat.
Climb on another fellow’s car and make him back into a cop.
Get thrown off said car and stand in front of it menacingly.
Shoot two cops dead, big deal.
Make a quick phone call, pull a few strings, walk away scot-free.

"Again, Niko? Alright, alright, just don't run a helicopter into my house!"

Shoot an AK-47 into the air for fun.
Murder two civilians with an RPG obtained from literally nowhere.
Proceed to stroll leisurely down the street with said RPG on my shoulder.
Stand in the street while a cop drives past the scene of the crime. Hold a molotov cocktail menacingly.

"What? There's nothing to see here, Mr. Maaaaaaan."

Watch an ambulance drive away from the dead civilians...what?!

Snipe a construction foreman in the head, even though he’s right down the street.
Run to my room for a nap and the cops forget anything is the matter.
Leave apartment and get in my awesome red sports car.
Floor it through a red light, powerslide into a mailbox and a lightpost. Nearby cop doesn’t mind in the least.
Nail three pedestrians, no problem.
At full speed, jump out of my car, nailing a skinhead with myself. Proceed to get nailed by my own car, taking out a fence.
Get attacked by a bystander, run over to the cops for help.
Bystander gets himself arrested. Chump.
Start unloading on the cops with a shotgun, killing the cops who responded to the crisis.
Get run down by a Huntley Sport, die.

"This is the fifth time today, Niko. No, really, I'm not mad, just impressed!"

Wake up in hospital, promptly released.
Knife an old woman to death, run from the cops when confronted.
Take a few bullets in my flight. No big deal.
Gun down an identical woman, using a full clip plus two shots.
Go to the beach, and snipe some swimmers, one of whom is a hobo. What is he doing here?
Make a few calls to some influential friends, the cops forgive and forget.
Order a helicopter on instant queue. It pays to have a smart phone.
Fly helicopter full speed down a bridge, jump out, striking the road and bouncing a few times, dying.

"Dude, you said that was the 'drop bombs' button!"

There you have it, friends, a typical day in the life of one Niko Bellic. Maybe go take the game out for another spin yourself, it's quite fun. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and I promise, I'll have more for you soon, barring death or a serious enough maiming...