The Elitist's Least Favorite Video Game Moments: ESCORT MISSIONS

If you read this and thought "Oh... Stephen... I'm sorry.. but leading stupid people, objects and vehicles through heavily armed resistances where I am the only hope for survival is my favorite." Then my only response is... please die.

"Video Game Hero, we have this Very Special Device! It needs to be delivered immediately! If this Super Secret Thing doesn't reach its destination, then all hope will be lost, and Our Team will lose this Confrontation!"

Case Number 1: The Hostage Mission

Our people of team Our Team have been taken prisoner/are under attack by The Enemy. We need you, Video Game Hero, to go in there, completely alone, and save all them on your own. You will receive no back up, and if any of our people die, you will immediately fail. We cannot guarantee that the hostages will be cooperative or will be competent in any fashion. I can almost ensure that the opposite will be the truth. Good luck, and Godspeed!


Case Number 2: Don't Let This Unarmed Vehicle Get Shot!

You are completely outnumbered; there is no aspect of this mission that is strategically sound or recommended. You have no team member (that will be able to help you in any way), and your vehicle in question is slow, enormous, and entirely useless for defending itself. Let the carnage begin.

Case Number 3: Get This Object Back To Base

We need this happy thing over there. It's really big, and really heavy. You cannot shoot while holding it and you will move 75% slower as well. The bad guys want it just as bad as we do, but it's already in their base. Go in by yourself and take it. Good luck, and have fun.