According to Video Games: Lessons in Love

As an intelligent, informed, and inquisitive individual, it’s surely no surprise that you, dear reader, have learned a great many things from a great many places. Today, I’d like to offer you some lessons that I’ve learned about dating and relationships, lessons I’ve learned from an interesting source: video games. Yes, yes, this may seem counter-intuitive, but give it a chance and you might end up glad you did. Or not. We extrapolate, you decide...

I mean...if you don't like extrapolation, there's an alternative. It's even fair and balanced!

On a sidenote, I’ll refer hypothetically to romantic interests as female, but please feel free to read them as male if you prefer. Gender equality and all that. Furthermore, many of the links contain spoilers, that is, if you are way behind on your gaming. Catch up and enjoy!

Lesson One: Humans are optional

When you look for someone to pursue romantically, I bet you look for other humans. This seems pretty basic, yeah? You’re a human, so you pursue human relationships; it’s a fairly straightforward and logical rule of thumb. Not so fast, says the world of video games.

Why limit yourself to your own species? That’s a rather narrow-minded approach, xenophobic even! The world (or galaxy) is home to many humanoid species (elves, asari, quarians, Miraluka, etc.) with whom it’s totally acceptable for humans to.....ah.....fraternise. Sure, she may do things a little differently, have sillier ears than you, she may even have to pump herself full of antibiotics just to have physical contact with you, but you shouldn’t let that get in the way of romance. Be a little more open-minded, and you might find just what you’re looking for. Whether you’re trying to find that special someone, or you’re just looking for a good time, video games show us that there are many different kinds of fish (or near-fish) in the sea.

And even the blind fish have...ahem...."boarding ramps"

Lesson Two: Gifts, gifts, gifts!

Now let’s say you manage to find your mate of choice (human or otherwise)....what’s next? Why, you woo her, of course! But how? You could try growing closer through conversation and spending time with her, you could try to say all the right things and do things that impress her. But let’s face it: sometimes you’re going to disagree and sometimes she’s not gonna like the things you do. Luckily, video games give us a foolproof backup plan. Hell, you can even use it as your primary plan, if you want. I won’t judge.

The plan in questions, dear reader, is gift-giving. Relentless gift-giving. Disagreed with her in a discussion about...what was it again? Who cares! She’ll forgive you once you give her a pair of blue satin shoes (you know, the ones she prattles on and on about) or that super-stylish golden demon pendant that any apostate worth her salt simply must have. She wouldn’t care if you kicked her puppy, punched her mother, and called her a sand person (they are the worst), if you give her enough gifts to make up for it, you’re in the clear, at least according to video games. Good to know, yeah?

That's her hand. This isn't much of an exaggeration of what you should do. Every. Day.

Lesson Three: Leave her at home if necessary

But sometimes...let’s be honest, sometimes they’re just too damn stubborn. So let’s say you give gifts with all your might, but she’s not letting up. Keeps yapping about how sand people killed her baby brother and how sad that is or whatever. How inconvenient! To make matters worse, at every turn she complains about every single little decision you make. Always has something to say just because you eviscerated a peasant family just for laughs...go figure. Can video games help us in this situation? Why yes, yes they can. Here’s what you do: leave her at home!

Really, you shouldn’t have to put up with all that constant nagging anyway. Every second she’s not there disagreeing with your latest decision is one fewer second she spends hating you, and that means fewer gifts to have to buy. Besides, if she brings it up when you come back home, you can explain it to her then and smooth things over. Hopefully. Eh, maybe it doesn’t always work in video games, but it’s at least a better alternative to “BLAH BLAH BLAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING BLAH!” At least in my opinion.

"Let's see...who isn't going to bother me all the bloody time?"

Lesson Four: The Dreaded Love Triangle

So now that you've a bit of advice to work with, let's say you apply it well and are successful. Too successful even. So successful, in fact, that you land not one, but two romantic interests. Here, matters complicate just a bit. You've concocted what, in scientific terms, is known as a "love triangle," quite delicate and dangerous situation indeed. Do video games offer us any advice in this precarious situation? Again, the answer is a resounding yes.

The trick is a simple one: for a time, feel free to string both interests along, if that's your thing. Again, judgment will be withheld. But soon enough, you'll be faced with the dreaded confrontation. Dreaded enough to warrant italics. Yup. You're in deep. It goes like this:

Sometimes, both interests will confront you, and sometimes, just one. Either way, you'll have to make a choice, my friend. Unless she's a pirate hooker who will bed you with hardly a second thought, she is probably looking for a bit of exclusivity. Even witches of the wild seem to be a fan of it. It's a fact of life, and you simply must adapt to it.

Or you could follow this gentleman's advice...

Lesson Five: It’s simple, really (Harvest Moon diary, numbers game)

I know that this may seem like a lot to take in at once, but really, it is quite simple. The entire endeavour of relationships: the pursuit, the maintenance, the conflict resolution- it's all a relatively straightforward process, at least according to video games.

For instance, say you like this girl who lives on a farm down the way from your farm. A little harvest sprite whispers in your ear that this girl happens to have a liking for flowers, predictably. Now, you may think you should get her flowers but maybe, you know, vary your approach a little bit by not getting her flowers every day for forever. It can't be that easy, right? Wrong.

"I'm really surprised that you like this. I couldn't tell from yesterday."

If you want her to like you, video games advise that you do the things she likes. All the time. Or as often as possible. Even with diminishing returns, she'll still end up liking you. Yeah, I guess it helps to maybe sometimes agree with her if it isn't too inconvenient, but the main thing is, keep it simple. Just hammer away at what you know works until it pays off. And how do you know if you're being successful? Do you need to ask her friends, look for subtle hints, you know, all that fun stuff? Certainly not. Just look at her bloody diary. See? Simple.

Seriously, dude, it is that easy.

I hope that you've found this guide at least somewhat helpful. Hell, maybe you even learned something that'll come in handy one day. If you do, you don't have to thank me (though that'd be nice). Instead, thank video games, for their invaluable lessons in love.

Or curse them, depending on how it goes for you. Cheers!