Kickin' Back and Takin' it Easy: How Our Friends Spend the Off Season

Good day to you, dear reader, and welcome back to the O&E. Over the past couple of weeks, I've had the opportunity to travel around the galaxy, through time, and between various universes to conduct interviews with some of your favourite video game characters. In these interviews, I asked them about how they're spending their downtime between games. Do enjoy!

Marcus Fenix: Gears of War 3

"Every morning I wake up to the sound of a chainsaw roaring," says Marcus Fenix of recent months. "Yeah, I got a chainsaw alarm clock. Don't judge me. It helps me get through the morning." He absentmindedly begins field stripping his Lancer as he sits across from me in the interview, a wistful look in his eyes.

"I can't wait to use this baby again," he says.

I ask Mr. Fenix what he has been doing to pass the time until he's called up for action on 20 September.

"You would think I'd be out there in the streets killing Locusts and Lambents by the thousand, right?" he answers. "That's what big, bad, Marcus Fenix would do, isn't it? I mean, I live in a world that's constantly besieged by these things, so you'd think I'd just go out and kill a few to keep in form. Well, you'd be wrong. You see, everything sort of just stops in between tours of duty, leaving guys like me to fend for themselves. It's boring as hell.

"I go out for target practice for a few hours a day," he continues. "But it gets so boring not shooting at real enemies. They're just targets. I want to kill Locusts! Lots of 'em!"

With a loud grunt, Mr. Fenix stands up, revving his chainsaw bayonet. "I'm gonna go saw something. We can finish this interview later."

We didn't finish the interview later. I was just glad he didn't pick me for a target.

Batman: Arkham City

"I can't say I have a lot to complain about, honestly," says Mr. Bruce Wayne, sipping slowly at a glass of what appears to be ginger ale. "I mean, I've just been relaxing in my multimillion dollar mansion, rubbing elbows with the upper crust of society every night, and enjoying the finest wine and women in the world. Like I always do!"

Clearly, Mr. Wayne doesn't realise that I am fully aware of his true identity: Batman. I inform him of this, to break his charade.

"That's a relief, to be honest," he says, wiping his brow. "I hate that routine. Sure, I'm better off than a lot of people out there, but frankly, living the high life gets old after about...oh...two nights without bringing some villain to justice. Or at least pummeling some stupid henchman completely senseless. Hell, I haven't even stopped a purse snatcher. This sucks."

Mr. Wayne presses a button on the side of his high-backed Georgian wing chair, causing a panel of the wall to rotate. This reveals the Batsuit, hanging flawlessly behind a panel of glass.

"Look at that suit!" he says, his fists clenching in palpable anticipation. "I had it patched up after the Arkham thing; couldn't find one tailor in that whole damn prison. It's flawless now. Perfect. Just waiting for me to take it out for a spin. There are bad guys out there salivating in anticipation of 18 October, when I can finally give them the punch in the face they so desperately want. Till then, I'm stuck here pretending to drink alcohol. I don't even like ginger ale."

M'aiq the Liar: Skyrim

"M'aiq knows much, tells some," says the robed Khajiit sitting across from me. "M'aiq knows many things others do not"

I admit to not having much hope for this interview. But I press on, nevertheless, asking him how he has been spending his vacation, which lasts until 11 November.

"M'aiq enjoys running," he responds, looking furtively around. "Of course, nothing stops M'aiq from walking when he wants."

His response doesn't make any sense to me, though this isn't surprising. Noting his penchant for running, I ask him if he is looking forward to exploring the snowy mountains of Skyrim.

"M'aiq thinks the lands of Cyrodiil are beautiful," he answers. "Skyrim looks beautiful as well. M'aiq is told 'You cannot go that way, turn back,' now, but soon M'aiq will be able to go where he pleases. This is good."

Finally, I can sympathise with this strange feline man. Those invisible walls are pretty annoying.

Commander Shepard: Mass Effect 3

"I'm Commander Shepard," says the saviour of the galaxy, "And this is my least favourite time of year." Mr. Shepard punches the wall beside him in frustration, completely disintegrating it. A crew of men promptly scurried in to begin rebuilding the wall. It seems this happens fairly often.

I ask Mr. Shepard how he is coping with the dullness of the off season.

"Let me put it this way," he begins, "that's the third wall I've busted this week. It's wearing on me. You'd think I'd be out there assembling armies to fight off the Reapers, you know, since they're invading Earth. But no. I'm just stuck here doing nothing. To make it worse, Jacob keeps bothering me about 'spilling some drinks on the Citadel' pretty much every night. I don't even like that guy!"

Mr. Shepard gestures over to a wall lined with hundreds of ribbons and medals, a wall I suspect he doesn't punch as often.

"I've saved this galaxy twice, and this is what I'm relegated to," he says. "I've got to sit around here bored as hell until 6 March 2012. That's next year. Next. Year. And they don't even send me reporters to punch in the face anymore. I was rebuilt by Cerberus to protect humanity from the Reapers, not to sit on my ass for half a year. I don't have time for this! The mission comes first!"

Well said, Mr. Shepard. Well said.